


Rest and Reviction

by trilliath



Series: Barriers and Boredom [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Lots of relationship chaos, M/M, Oral Sex, Renegade!Shepard, Shower Sex, Threesome - M/M/M, ahhhh, biotic shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 10:11:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trilliath/pseuds/trilliath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of the events of Barriers and Boredom, Kaidan and Shepard's relationship is no longer where it was. Now what will happen with James being in the mix? One thing is for certain, things will change for all of them.<br/><i>"You heard what the doc said," James interrupted, plucking the datapad out of Kaidan's grasp and stepping in between him and the desk chair he had been angling for. His desk. His chair. Well, his and Shepard's - same difference.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>And yet there was Vega. In his and Shepard's cabin. Between him and his desk.</i><br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>  
> 
> Art by the absolutely awesome [Mintsui](http://mintsui.tumblr.com). See the [Master Art Post](http://mintsui.tumblr.com/post/35501785610/art-based-on-and-created-for-trilliaths-three-hit) here  
> This is the **third** part in the series. Go here for the first part: [Barriers and Boredom](http://archiveofourown.org/works/418322/chapters/695859)
> 
> This story also has a **playlist!** The song cues for each chapter will be in the note at the top.  
>  Downloaded here: [Rest and Reviction Playlist](http://trilliath.tumblr.com/post/35498978100/aaand-i-did-a-fanmix-to-go-with-my-sequel-story)
> 
> Chapter 1:  
> 1: I Want It All, Depeche Mode  
> 2: Only When I Lose Myself (Gus Gus Shortplay Mix), Depeche Mode  
> 3: Sleepwalker, Faunts
> 
>  

"You heard what the doc said," James interrupted, plucking the datapad out of Kaidan's grasp and stepping in between him and the desk chair he had been angling for. His desk. His chair. Well, his and Shepard's - same difference.

And yet there was Vega. In his and Shepard's cabin. Between him and his desk.  
Kaidan set his jaw, gazing at his subordinate with a narrowed gaze.

"Bed rest, for at least twelve hours," the lieutenant said, a challenging light in his hazel eyes. "And the Commander will have my head if that doesn't happen. Made you my responsibility, Major," he added with a flick of his chin. It also had the distracting side-effect of displaying his throat, and the faint red outline of teeth marking it. Kaidan's teeth.

"Oh really. And when _exactly_ did he say that?" Kaidan responded, crossing his arms.

James rocked back on his heels slightly, hooking his thumbs through the belt-loops on his trousers. He didn't answer that. He didn't have to, because Kaidan knew as well as he did what instance he was referring to. Not that he was sure he agreed with the interpretation. But then again, he hadn't been front and center when that had gone down in the med-bay.

"So. Are you going to get into bed or am I going to have to put you there?" he asked, ignoring Kaidan's demand.

Kaidan raised one slow, taut eyebrow.

"Sir," the lieutenant added cheekily.

Kaidan heaved a tight breath through his nose, glancing away. He didn't quite manage to hide the edge of a smile that teased at the corner of his mouth as he scrubbed a hand over his jaw before looking back at the lieutenant. If it were some other ship, some other time in history, Kaidan would never have fraternized with a subordinate this way. But galactic war had a way of skewing priorities. 

Vega smirked at him, then licked the edge of his lips as he stepped closer. "Let's get you to bed, Major."

"All right, all right," Kaidan murmured, backing away and turning towards the bed. A bed he had shared with the lieutenant not so long ago. He was deeply and viscerally aware of James's presence behind him, even though the marine was surprisingly light on his feet. He hardly made a sound as he moved. 

Behind him, James tapped the room settings console, dimming the lights. Kaidan kicked off the plain ship-shoes Dr. Chakwas had issued him. They landed near the jumbled pile of his and James's armor. Shepard's armor was stacked neatly in the open closet, as usual. Kaidan tossed his second shoe as James trotted down the steps and neared. 

The major's eyes tracked from the pile of armor towards the bed. The sheets were still tangled, spilling over the edge of the mattress; the aftermath of their earlier activities. That sent another spike of awareness through Kaidan's body as he stood, remembering. James stepped close behind him and cleared his throat expectantly. With a sigh and a barely-contained eye-roll, Kaidan shook off his reverie and made for the bed. 

"Whoa, hold up there," James said, catching at the major's waist before Kaidan could finish stepping forward to lay down as he was. The palms of his hands were hot. Hard. Kaidan took a shaky breath, fighting the urge to swallow noisily. He settled for a slightly petulant sigh. He was fairly certain that being teased wasn't helping with the whole bed-rest concept.

"You won't be comfortable sleeping like that," he murmured, broad hands spreading over the flat of Kaidan's hips. His fingers slipped under the edge of Kaidan's crew tee, brushing against hot bare skin. "Better take this off."

Kaidan made a breathy sound of discontent, but lifted his arms nonetheless when James's hands skimmed up under his shirt, dragging the fabric with them. He sucked in a tight breath as the lieutenant's calloused palms stroked over his hardening nipples, then up his arms, pulling the shirt over his head. It joined the messy pile of armor and clothing in a careless lob, the bunching of James's muscles pushing his bicep against Kaidan's shoulder as he dropped his arms again

"These too" he added, running his thumbs along the waistband of Kaidan's trousers until he had his arms around Kaidan's waist, chest bumping Kaidan's bare back as he popped the catch and dragged the zipper down. He pushed the fabric over Kaidan's hips and it slipped down to pool at his feet. Kaidan picked up his feet one at a time and then nudged the fabric aside, leaving him clad in nothing but the standard-issue black under-shorts. Shorts that were a bit tight around the front, truth be told.  
With the _a bit_ part being more or less an understatement.  
He was never going to be able to sleep.

"So, lieutenant," Kaidan asked, casting a glance over his shoulder, "am I in proper uniform yet?" 

"Close enough," James decided, though he cast a considering look down at the thin expanse of black fabric covering the major's ass. "Bunk," James ordered. And if his voice was a little tighter than usual, well...

Kaidan made a non-committal grunt in response and resumed his climb onto the bed, rolling onto his back with a sigh.  
And it wasn't as though he wasn't tired. The bed was soft enough, and welcoming in its horizontal-ness. As Kaidan lay back, James made his way around the foot of the bed. He turned and then leaned against the edge of the small desk, much like Shepard had earlier that day, watching Kaidan as he settled into the bed, dragging the crumpled top-sheet up somewhere in the region of his ribcage. He rolled onto his side, facing away from the lieutenant and pulling the edge of the sheet with him, curled in his fist. He nudged his jaw against the pillow, making a dip for his head and sighed, sinking into it. But his eyes didn't want to close. Right in front of them was the pile of comingled armor sitting on the floor below Shepard's neatly stacked plates in the closet. The residual energies from the entire day were still pulsing over his nervous system. And he could still feel James behind him. 

"Are you just going to sit there staring at me?" Kaidan asked testily, rolling back over to face him.

"Maybe," James said, smirking down at him. His arms were crossed over his abdomen, folding the already taut cotton even more tightly into the curve of muscle on his chest, the bump of his dog-tags a clear outline. 

Kaidan scowled and shifted his hips under the sheet. 

"Do you have any other suggestions?" James asked, glancing at him with a sensual twist to his mouth. 

Kaidan felt the edge of his annoyance plucking at him again. And again, it made it to his mouth faster than the rest of him did. "It's a busy ship. I'm sure you can find something to do."  
Whether it was more frustration _with_ the lieutenant or frustration _about_ the lieutenant was more or less an irrelevant distinction.

James shook his head. "No good _jefe_. I'm busy guarding the commander's most prized asset." He ran his thumb absently under his lower lip, and Kaidan's eyes were drawn again to the faint red line where he had split that lip earlier in the day with his teeth. He knew James noticed his attention, but he couldn't tear his gaze away as the lieutenant's tongue briefly slipped out of his mouth to trace the edge of the tear.

And clearly the distinction wasn't irrelevant at all. And it was damnably, obviously, the latter. Kaidan hesitated a long moment, fingers curled in sheets that smelled like Shepard. Like himself.   
And like James.   
He made his decision. "Well you can at least get some shut-eye," Kaidan said, glancing down at the mattress beside him. "It's a big bed."

James mulled that over a moment, gazing at the space beside the major. "Would keep you in arm's reach too," James mused. For all his apparent easy confidence, it wasn't an easy decision for him either. There were all sorts of layers of consequences and uncertainties - for all of them.

But like the marine he was, he made his choice swiftly, stripping his shirt over his head in a smooth motion and tossing it over the back of a nearby chair. His trousers followed suit a moment later, and then his weight was depressing the mattress next to Kaidan's body as he slid under the sheet beside him.

The feeling of another man's body brushing against him - in his and Shepard's bed - sent a spike of excitement and nerves straight through his belly. His skin tingled where James's thigh touched his. The lieutenant turned onto his side facing him, slipping his rough palm across the flat of Kaidan's abdomen. He settled his hand on Kaidan's opposite side, thumb tracing the underside of Kaidan's rib. Kaidan's eyes latched on to the faint red mark above James's left nipple. Teeth marks he'd left there a few hours past.

"Arm's reach is good. Now I know you won't sneak out and disobey orders."

Kaidan snorted in response, but didn't move out of reach of James's grip. His breath pressed his belly against the weight of James's arm and Kaidan stifled a shudder of illicit arousal. Oh, it was... more or less with Shepard's blessing - their earlier antics certainly had been. But the "less" side of the possibility had Kaidan tensing even as his body urged him to lean into the touch. Still, Shepard _had_ been the one to bring James into their bedroom. If he didn't like what happened after, well that would have to be a different conversation.

There was silence for a few minutes as Kaidan stared up at the window over his bed and tried to ignore the heat of James's body. Eventually he glanced over at the lieutenant who was watching him with heavy-lidded eyes.

"Well, go to sleep," he said, settling his head back on the pillow. Shepard's pillow. Kaidan wondered whether in the morning he would be able to distinguish James's scent or if it would be mixed with his and Shepard's. The way his head was tilted revealed a second mark left by Kaidan's teeth, on the side of his neck on the thick curve of muscle. 

"I can't just fall asleep on command," Kaidan said with a sardonic edge to his voice.

"No? And here I thought you were a marine," James retorted with a smirk.

Kaidan sent him a withering look. 

"Ok, ok," James murmured, the flat of his hand brushing across Kaidan's rib as he gestured automatically. He hesitated a moment, then said, "Turn over," hand coming back to grip Kaidan's nearer hip. He didn't wait for Kaidan to oblige him and pushed, sliding him onto his chest. Not that Kaidan resisted. James followed him over, rising onto his knees to straddle Kaidan's hips, pinning him to the bed. 

Sleep was feeling further and further away by the moment. It wasn't exactly helping to have his groin pressed tightly against the mattress below his stomach. Or James's hips straddling his.

"Relax," he said, spreading his hands over Kaidan's shoulders.

Kaidan didn't snort, but he wanted to. It's was fairly absurd to consider relaxing when you were in your lover's bed with another marine straddling your ass and looming over you. Touching you. He sucked in a tight breath as James touched his back, fingers running over the bumps and curves of his muscles and bones. They traced over thin lines of scar tissue earned throughout years of hard soldiering. Then, James set the heels of his hands under the triangular planes of his shoulder-blades, and pushed. Kaidan's breath whooshed out of him as the lieutenant compressed his ribs under the firm stroke. He dug his hands in again, kneading the muscle with deep, long strokes. Kaidan forced himself to try and relax the muscles, to let James help. There was more than enough tension in his body, in his mind. It had been one hell of a long day. He let out a deep breath the next time James leaned into his hands, chasing the breath up his spine, turning the breath into a gentle murmur of pleasure.

The muscles of his back finally relaxed, James's hands settled on either side of his neck and slowly his thumbs ran in circles up the curve of his neck till they notched in under the edge of Kaidan's hair and spread against the tiny muscles there. Kaidan's eyes fluttered closed at the exquisite pleasure-pain of the pressure. 

Soon his shoulders lay flat against the bed, his face pressed against the pillow, arms limp beside him. His breaths came deep and slow with the steady push and knead of James's hands. It was simultaneously relaxing and invigorating as Kaidan could feel the weight of Vega's balls and half-hard cock sitting on the curve of his ass. Each time James moved his hands, leaning in to add pressure to the muscles in Kaidan's back, the weight of his dick shifted too. The thin fabric of their under-shorts was more of a tease than a barrier. Eventually though, James sat back, hands drifting down to brush against Kaidan's waist.

"That's better," James said quietly.

Kaidan found he had to agree. He was harder than ever in one crucial place. But other than that, he was actually feeling relaxed. He wasn't sure he could remember the last time he'd felt this relaxed.

James rolled off to his left, easing back down beside him. On Kaidan's side of the bed now. As he settled the sheet back over them, Kaidan turned his head on the pillow, looking over at him.

"Thanks," he said quietly. "That felt… that felt good."   
James flicked his eyebrows as if to say _de nada_ , but the corner of his mouth curved in pleasure.

Almost involuntarily Kaidan's hand came up, thumb reaching out to trace the line in James's lip. The lieutenant's lips parted. His tongue slipped forward to touch the edge of Kaidan's thumb, licking the tip lightly. The breath Kaidan drew in then was ragged. 

He lifted himself slightly onto one elbow and drew his head forward till he could replace his finger with his tongue, then his lips. He pulled James's lip into his mouth, setting his teeth into the bruised skin for just a moment before he let go, tracing the mark with his tongue.

James made a soft, low sound in his throat, lips parting against Kaidan's tongue as it slipped up the cut and between his lips, past his teeth and against his tongue. The hand that curved over Kaidan's ribs held a terrible tension, like the paired urges - to drag Kaidan against him, and to be gentle, were in tight conflict.

His tongue traced along the edge of James's teeth, exploring his mouth rather than plundering it as he had before. James leaned into him, exchanging those tentative strokes of the tongue. Kaidan let his body relax against James's, settling his head back against the pillow and the swollen line of his erection against James's through the thin material of their briefs. But the massage was beginning to take effect. He felt the weight of exhaustion tugging at his eyes as James lifted his head. The lieutenant flicked one eyebrow at him before tipping his head down against the pillow next to Kaidan's, his arm solid around his waist.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 Songs:  
> Seven Devils, Florence + the Machine  
> I am You, Depeche Mode  
> Blue, A Perfect Circle

When Kaidan woke, he was momentarily disoriented. His head felt… better, he decided.  
At least his head wasn't throbbing quite so sharply. He blinked his eyes against the weight of sleepiness, focusing on the face across from his, only a hand's span away. Seeing James Vega on the pillow next to him was _not_ a familiar, or even really a comfortable feeling. 

The warmth pressed against his back, however, was. He knew Shepard's body to the last inch, knew the way he cocked one hip in bed because the angle was better on bones that had seen too many breaks. Knew the shape of his cock and how he liked to nestle it right below the curve of Kaidan's ass even in his sleep, the way his breath brushed against Kaidan's shoulder, his arm slung around Kaidan's waist.

But the thing that had him blinking again was how Shepard's arm wasn't just slung over Kaidan's waist, but over Vega's too. Oh, part of it was certainly just an artifact of slinging his arm around Kaidan, considering that one of Kaidan's legs was wedged firmly between the lieutenant's and he was pressed knees-to-nipples against the sleeping marine's chest.  
But still…  
Things had certainly gotten complicated in their bed of late.

He gazed at James in the silence, feeling, more than listening to, the heart beats on either side of him. The lieutenant's lashes were dark on his tan cheeks, lower lip pouting a little in his sleep. Kaidan couldn't resist lifting his free hand to feather a touch over the thin mark he'd left on the younger man's lip. He didn't really understand why the sight sent a pulse of arousal straight to his groin each time he saw it, but… well he wasn't about to complain, excluding the whole on-bedrest part of the equation. He had to concentrate on ignoring the knowledge of just what part of James his dick was pressed against. As it turned out, the fog of sleep was still tugging at him, making it easier by the moment.  
He settled his hand over Shepard's, fingers resting between the knuckles, fingertips touching James's skin. 

 

The next time he woke, Kaidan was alone on the bed, sprawled loose in the empty space. He drew in a slow breath and swiped a hand over his eyes, rolling slowly onto his back. He blinked his eyes into focus and lifted his head slightly to look at the room. The discarded armor and clothing had all been put away. James was nowhere to be seen. Shepard was sitting on the couch, data-pad in hand, back in his uniform. He turned his gaze over to Kaidan as the major sat up in bed. Shepard cast an assessing gaze over his person, then he smiled faintly.

"You're looking better," Shepard said, setting the datapad aside and rising. He made his way over to the bed and knelt on the mattress beside Kaidan. Kaidan raised an eyebrow at him, but lifted his hand to grip the fabric of his uniform over his chest, pulling him closer. Shepard angled his head down to capture Kaidan's mouth with his own, hand coming up to cup the back of Kaidan's head as his tongue slipped between his lips. 

"Mmm," Kaidan hummed low in his chest, leaning into the kiss. 

Eventually Shepard lifted his head, keeping Kaidan's in a firm grip as he gazed down at his lover, studying his features a moment. 

They hardly ever said words to express the way they felt. But then again, they didn't need to. Kaidan knew it was plain as day on his own face, and he'd long since learned to see it in Shepard's, in the long gazes he used to study Kaidan's eyes, the way the muscles around his eye would curve slightly as he took a slow, grounding breath. It was better than words any day.

Shepard rubbed his thumb against Kaidan's temple, then let him go, turning back to where his data-pads were stacked on the coffee table. As he sat, the door to their cabin swished open then to admit a fully-clothed Lt. Vega, carrying a pair of trays from the galley, heaped with food.  
"Would you look at that; perfect timing," James said, bringing the trays down the steps and setting them on the low coffee table that sat between Shepard and the bed. "I even amaze myself sometimes," he added.

Kaidan eased back onto his elbows, watching with heavy eyes and a faintly amused smirk as the lieutenant settled various plates off the trays.

"The major doesn't look very awake," Shepard said absently, glancing at Kaidan before gazing down at the datapad in his hand. Kaidan raised an eyebrow at him, but Shepard ignored him, casting an assessing glance at the lieutenant.

"Why don't you see if you can find a way to stimulate his appetite, Lieutenant."

James paused in setting down a plate, glancing up with a surprised but pleased expression on his face. 

"Aye-aye, commander," he said, turning back to the bed. He grinned at Kaidan, who was looking back at him with that still-raised brow. James flicked his eyebrows upwards in the equivalent of a shrug as he wandered up beside Kaidan, sitting on the edge of the bed. After a moment he lifted one broad palm to settle it on the bared planes of Kaidan's abdomen, fingers curling slightly to trace the lines of his muscles. He hesitated momentarily, glancing up at Kaidan's face before leaning over to set his lips over the taut bud of one of Kaidan's nipples. He sucked it into his mouth, the hand on Kaidan's chest tightening in a firm grip on his other pectoral muscle, his thumb bumping at the bud of his nipple.

His mouth made a slight sound as he lifted it from Kaidan's skin, leaving a smear of saliva behind that tingled in the cool cabin air.  
Kaidan tilted his head back as James's hand slid slowly up the flat of his chest to touch his throat. He ran his thumb under Kaidan's lip, then dipped his head to drag his lips over the edges of stubble on Kaidan's jaw. 

Kaidan's breath caught as those lips drifted up his jaw to touch the corner of his mouth, then slip over his own. If Kaidan had thought making out with another man in his lover's bed had been exciting, it was nothing compared to doing it while his lover watched.

James's hand ran back down over the curve of his shoulder and against his ribs, tightening so that Kaidan's body brushed against the fabric of his tee shirt. His thumb teased at Kaidan's nipple again as he slipped his tongue into the major's mouth.

Kaidan was feeling breathless and not a little hard by the time James finished nudging his tongue over the inside of the major's mouth. When James lifted his head, Kaidan could see Shepard watching them with an inscrutable expression on his face. Then the corner of his mouth twitched as he turned his gaze back to the datapad in his hand. 

"So, you ready for some of this, Major?" James asked, gesturing at the well-laden coffee-table as he turned from the bed. He lifted a tray from the table and scratched at his chin, considering the food.

Kaidan's stomach rumbled at the sight of the food. He cracked a yawn.

"Pancakes, with actual butter," the lieutenant continued, shaking his head as he plucked a plate up and added it to the tray. "And imitation maple syrup that will probably still offend your sensibilities on principle, even if it's damn good."

Kaidan grinned at that as he leaned forward and made as though to rise from the bed. "Yeah, ok, lemme see what you've brought."

"Stay there Kaidan," Shepard interjected firmly. 

"I think I can handle sitting on the couch," Kaidan said testily, flicking the sheet back from his legs, heedless of the rather obvious bulge stretching the front of his shorts. When he got to his feet, however, his balance wavered sharply.  
Shepard was on his feet in an instant, datapad cast aside as he strode for the bed, hands coming up to steady Kaidan by his ribs and press him back down onto the bed. He sat hard, legs more or less giving out under him.

"Stay," Shepard repeated firmly.

Kaidan let out a shaky breath as he lay back, dragging his legs up onto the bed to equalize his level and ease his blood-pressure back towards normal. 

"Yeah. Yeah I think that might be a good idea," Kaidan replied quietly, blinking back the light-headedness that had threatened to overwhelm him. Eventually the worst of it passed and he pushed himself up a bit so he could lean back against the head-board and tucked his knees up slightly. 

"Damnit," he muttered under his breath as he rested his head against the flat surface. Shepard stared him down as he got his breathing and pulse back to normal. Then he sat slowly on the bed beyond where Kaidan's feet lay. 

Kaidan's stomach rumbled again and the major rolled his eyes. Shepard, however, turned a raised eyebrow on the lieutenant who was standing near the coffee table.  
James took his cue and finished loading up the tray. He moved to sit on the other side of the bed, balancing the food carefully on one hand as he moved closer. He settled the tray next to Kaidan's hip and then sat back, remaining where he was on the bed.

Both men were staring at him with stoic expressions and Kaidan sighed and made a face. But facts were facts. He needed fuel and rest because he needed to heal. Pushing through the pain only made sense in life or death situations. Everywhere else it was just plain stupid. He quashed his embarrassment and rolled a pancake up so he could eat it like a hot dog. 

Of course, any annoyance was immediately forgotten as his tongue met the food, sending a wash of pleasure through his system. Real food met a body in calorie deficit and appetite was suddenly more than happy to join the party. It wasn't long before he tucked away the better part of the stack of pancakes and two helpings of the huevos rancheros he suspected James had prepared himself. 

When he eventually looked up, he realized that neither marine's eyes were still on him. Shepard was sitting at his feet, gazing at Vega. Kaidan pursed his lips. He recognized that look. So did James, apparently, given the way the marine lifted his chin and leaned back slightly on one arm, toying absently at the edge of his tee with blunt fingers.

Kaidan felt a momentary surge of something resembling jealousy. Which made him pause. He considered the fact that Shepard hadn't exactly thrown a fit when he'd come up to their cabin last night and presumably found Kaidan mostly naked and tangled in James's arms in their bed.  
And then there was the issue that for a moment he wasn't even sure who he was more jealous of - which made him conclude that quite clearly it should be neither. Especially when James turned his head slightly to send that hot look racing over to encompass Kaidan, taking a slow, deep breath, nostrils flaring and eyelids heavy. 

Kaidan tipped his head back against the headboard as he looked between them, popping another bite of food into his mouth and chewing slowly as the commander shifted his gaze towards Kaidan. 

Shepard frowned at him - or rather, at his head, looking at him as though he could see the damage inside Kaidan's skull.

"Yeah," Kaidan said in agreement with the unspoken point.

Shepard heaved a tight sigh, frowning at the lieutenant. Kaidan had been the one who had gotten to play with the lieutenant the night before. And while Shepard thoroughly enjoyed playing the voyeur, he'd yet to have his turn interacting with James directly. And it was a very pleasurable experience. Kaidan hesitated, chewing over another bite of food before he came to his decision.

"But Shepard," Kaidan began, and Shepard turned his gaze towards the major. "Don’t, ah… don't let me spoil your fun," Kaidan finished, letting his eyes slide over to the lieutenant, taking in the inscrutable expression he wore. The hand fiddling with his tee stalled for a long moment before the absent motion resumed.

"Hm," was the commander's response, the syllable holding notes of surprise as well as agreement. Shepard looked at the lieutenant a long moment. "Hm," he repeated, voice lower, then turned a considering gaze on Kaidan.

After a moment, he spoke. "Maybe you can't play, but you could…," Shepard paused, tilting his head before continuing saying, "make the decisions."

Kaidan took a tight breath. That was a very unexpected concession. The idea that Shepard would give over control to him was rare enough. But with James? He raised his eyebrows slowly as he turned his eyes on the lieutenant, who was sitting still, looking silently between them. He looked back at Shepard.

_how far was this going?_

Shepard blinked slowly, then tilted his head and scratched absently at the stubble on his chin, lifting one shoulder in a shrug.

Then again, these days, that was Shepard's answer to anything further into the future than the next few hours. Taking things one day at a time wasn't so much a choice but a necessity.

With a few exceptions.

He felt his features soften a little, gazing at his lover. Saw the sentiment catch in John's eye and watched his countenance ease in turn, both corners of his mouth turning upwards slightly in a hint of that rarest of expressions; a smile.

Yeah. That was one of them.

"So, Lieutenant," Shepard began, still looking at Kaidan. "Did you want to stick around? Or," he continued, turning a carefully non-judgmental expression towards the younger marine, "did you have some other duties you needed to return to?"

Kaidan smiled at James. "It's completely up to you," he said quietly. It was an easy out.  
James nodded absently, leaning back on his arm on the bed as he mulled it over a moment. The glance he cast towards Shepard wasn't without apprehension, but it also didn't lack for interest. And then he turned his hazel eyes on Kaidan and ran his teeth over the edge of his lip. Over the cut. 

He smirked when Kaidan's eyes dipped to follow the motion.  
"Nah. I'm good right here."

Kaidan let out a tight breath, feeling the look the lieutenant sent him go straight to his dick. "That's good," Kaidan murmured eventually.

And then both men were gazing at him. Waiting for orders.  
He realized suddenly that he didn't know what he wanted. Giving orders with outward confidence was one thing. Having the necessary experience to give the right orders was something else entirely.  
He could feel the tension rising in his chest as he scrambled for a decision. For the words he wanted. He gazed at them, sitting in the middle of the bed a few feet from each other. 

The longer he hesitated, the more James began looking almost nervous. Anticipatory. Shepard looked completely calm on the other hand, sitting patiently on the bed. 

"I want you to…," Kaidan began, then cleared his throat. "Your shirt, Shepard. Take it off," Kaidan said. Shepard smirked with wicked pleasure as Kaidan began the game. He lifted his hands to follow Kaidan's directive, but the major spoke again, interrupting his motion.

"Wait," he said, and Shepard's hands stopped, hovering at his waist. "James. You do it," Kaidan ordered, tilting his head towards the lieutenant.

The lieutenant moved closer on the bed, ready to follow orders without hesitation. Still, his hands stuttered briefly as they neared Shepard, almost like the commander had a barrier to push through. And _The Commander_ did, in a way. His presence was a powerful and weighty thing.

But Vega was not one to be cowed. He tugged the clasp open across Shepard's chest, and then pressed apart the seal at the neck, hands coming into contact with the commander's bare skin for the first time. He let out a tight breath as he pushed the fabric back over Shepard's shoulders, baring his scarred skin and the dusting of lighter hair on his chest. The commander watched him with a gaze which was intent and yet somehow languid at the same time. He flicked those weighty eyes over at Kaidan, the skin around them curved slightly in pleasure as the edge of the fabric fell to his wrists.

He tugged the fabric off the commander's tensed arm muscles until the fabric was freed and Shepard lifted his hands and let the shirt come free of his body. James looked like he wanted to do more, but he was a good soldier. He knew how to follow an order and do no _more_ as well as no less than was asked of him. 

"Good," Kaidan said. He thought for a moment and then tilted his head to gaze at the kneeling marine, tags dangling from his neck over the crew tee he favored over the standard battle-dress-uniform.  
"Now his shirt. And John?" he added when Shepard's hands moved for the hem. "With your teeth."

Shepard quirked an eyebrow at him, but leaned forward anyway, gripping the Lieutenant by the hips and guiding him back onto his ass on the bed. Shepard knelt between his legs, shoving his knees apart so that he could dip closer, dropping his head straight for Vega's waist. His teeth closed over a fold of tee as well as skin, surprising a grunt out of the lieutenant as he pulled back, pinching the skin and dragging the cloth from his waistband. Shepard's hands snagged Vega's wrists and pulled them up, bringing them together over his head as he worked the shirt up over the lieutenant's rising and falling abs. Kaidan took a slow breath at the sight of Shepard handling the lieutenant so firmly. He tried not to let his arousal spiral any higher. 

Through sheer determination, Shepard kept the cloth between his teeth even as the fabric snagged on taut nipples and bulging curves of muscle. Eventually he freed it from their grasp and dragged the shirt over Vega's arms. Shepard knelt for a moment, breathing a little faster than before until he dropped the shirt off the end of the bed to pool on the deck.

He wasn't the only one.

"Touch him," Kaidan said quietly, gazing at the lieutenant. He licked his lips as Shepard slid his hands down James's body, then dragged them up over his chest and up to his tattooed throat. His thumbs pressed against his pulse-points, throbbing in his throat as Shepard touched him. His fingers scraped up through the stubble on his jaw. When Shepard brushed his fingers over James's lips, Kaidan heard the echo of yesterday's words in his mind.  
 _"I bet he's a good kisser, Kaidan, just look at that mouth," he said, voice low as he traced the soft skin with his finger._

"You know, Shepard," Kaidan began, watching Shepard run his hands over the lieutenant's skin, back down over his shoulders and curling around banded muscle. "He _is_ a good kisser," he said, referring to Shepard's earlier words on the subject. 

Shepard turned darkened eyes on Kaidan over slightly parted lips. Kaidan could see the curve of the crotch of his trousers straining forward over his arousal.

"But really, you, ah, you shouldn't just take my word for it. Why don't you find out for yourself?"

Shepard cocked a brow at him. Kaidan ran his lower lip over his teeth and angled his head slightly. "Kiss him, Shepard," Kaidan ordered more directly. 

John tilted his head, eyes tracking down over the lieutenant's parted lips. He leaned closer, pressing his lips against James's. The breath Kaidan took was a stuttering thing, later than it ought to have been but his body had been just as distracted as his mind at the sight of Shepard kissing the lieutenant.

When Shepard lifted his mouth and hovered there, Kaidan realized that they would still be waiting on his directive. 

"More," he said, clearing his throat. Shepard pressed forward again as Kaidan continued. "Put your tongue in his mouth. Make, ah… make yourself at home."

Shepard's mouth opened immediately, his tongue pushing its way past James's lips with absolutely no preamble. James let his mouth be plundered, eyes half open and jaw loose. Kaidan took a steadying breath, ignoring the tugging feeling in his dick that urged him to join in. He watched, enthralled at the sight of his lover kissing the lieutenant. It was terribly exciting, almost like how it was when he was in the field with Shepard, watching him do what he did best. Best seats in the house, on mission and now here in the bedroom. He was a thing to behold. Was that what Shepard had felt watching him? 

And the lieutenant… damned if he wasn't one of the most sensual things Kaidan had ever seen, muscles flexing against Shepard's demanding kissing, eyes heavy. Powerful and yet laid open to the assault from the commander with abandon.

Shepard finally lifted his head, both of them breathing faster than normal. He ran his fingers over James's parted lips, then down his throat and over his chest till they teased around the edge of his trousers. But he waited, waited for Kaidan's directive.

"Shepard, I'm thinking… you know how I left my mark yesterday?"

Shepard glanced at him, clearly tracking his train of thought by the light in his eyes. He then turned his head to study the lieutenant, gaze sweeping over his body. He took James's jaw in his hand, then leaned forward to swipe his tongue over the mark there on his lip. Then he tilted the lieutenant's head with a slight twist of his wrist, slanting his head up under James's jawbone and pressing his lips over the faint bruise there. James's breath caught at the pressure over his windpipe. Then slowly he dragged his lips down his chest to where another mark was visible on his breast. He kissed that mark too.

"Put one like that on the other side," Kaidan said, grinning as he looked at the Lieutenant, who was breathing a little hard, still leaning back on his arms behind him, still opened to them. He was gazing at Kaidan, hazel eyes glossy with heat.

John's lips smoothed over his breastbone and followed the rise of pectoral muscle, till his mouth was just above the lieutenant's other nipple. His tongue traced a slow, wicked shape along the taut outer-edge of areola.

"There, bite him there," Kaidan murmured, suppressing a shudder when John moaned against the lieutenant's skin before closing his teeth around the younger marine's flesh. 

[Art by Mintsui](http://mintsui.tumblr.com/post/35501785610/art-based-on-and-created-for-trilliaths-three-hit)   


James groaned through gritted teeth as Shepard pulled his skin taut. When he let go, the mark was bright and red on James's skin, a twin to the one Kaidan had left the day before. Now they'd both marked the younger marine as theirs. Kaidan tipped his head back against the headboard with a soft and slightly strained sigh as his dick twitched in response.

"Fuck," he murmured under his breath as Shepard's fingers traced over the paired marks.

"That an order, Major?" James quipped, and Kaidan sent him a withering look. The lieutenant smirked back, completely un-cowed. But Kaidan's gaze narrowed as he tilted his head and rolled the thought over.

"Yeah, ok. Enough teasing then. Strip. Both of you," he ordered. 

Like the soldiers they were, they both immediately went to work getting out of their remaining clothing with a minimum of fuss. Boots and trousers and belts were stacked aside. Shorts too, freeing their trapped erections with distracting bobs and sways as they moved. Kaidan's own made its constraint felt, but he resolutely made no move to change that, however tempting. Instead he looked at John as he sat back down, who was staring hungrily at James's dick where it was resting against his thigh, just out of Shepard's reach. Kaidan was momentarily torn between going for his impulse and knowing what Shepard would probably choose. Then again, what Shepard _wanted_ and what Shepard would _choose_ weren't always the same thing either.

"Shepard, come here," Kaidan said.

Shepard turned a narrowed gaze on him, but complied, crawling up the bed till he knelt beside Kaidan. He gazed at him with expectant, hot eyes. Kaidan lifted a hand to cup his jaw, leaning forward to brush his lips over Shepard's.  
Then he smiled against his mouth.

The commander _had_ been the one to suggest this game, after all.

"Hands and knees, commander," Kaidan murmured.

He felt Shepard stiffen slightly, but the compliance was also prompt. His palms were placed firmly on the bed, triceps and back muscles flexing as he moved his knees back and rose up onto them. Kaidan took a slow breath at the sight of Shepard kneeling on their bed, presenting his ass to the lieutenant who was waiting at the foot. His cock hung heavy between his thighs, and he tilted his head to look up at Kaidan. Kaidan looked back at him for a moment, letting his appreciation show on his face. Then he glanced at the lieutenant, whose eyes were taking in the sight with almost as much appreciation as Kaidan was.

"James," he began. "It's your turn. Come touch him. Come explore him the way he did you," Kaidan said, beckoning the lieutenant closer.

The lieutenant didn't hesitate for even a second. Though Shepard did flinch the slightest bit when James touched his ankle, Kaidan also saw the way his dick twitched when James's hands ran up over the muscles in his legs and over the curve of his ass. They traveled further up, smoothing over his back to meet and splay over the back of his neck. Then his hands began kneading slightly at the tense muscles on his shoulders before sliding down his arms. James's eyes were riveted to Shepard's skin, to the thin lines of scars that were faintly orange from the right angle, to the smattering of freckles across his shoulders. Vega leaned over his back, letting his lips brush against one of the longer scars on Shepard's skin. Then he scrubbed his hands down Shepard's flank, rubbing his stubble-laden cheek down his spine and sitting back. 

When his hands came back down to Shepard's ass, he raised a questioning eyebrow at Kaidan, rubbing his thumbs over the little dips above Shepard's hips.  
Kaidan nodded in affirmation and James's hands continued down Shepard's backside to knead flesh there as well. Slowly, his thumbs ran up the center seam, brushing over his hole. James focused his attention there, rubbing and teasing the sensitive skin, never brushing lower to his cock. Eventually Shepard let out a tight breath, hips tilting slightly towards the lieutenant, leaning into his touch.

"Mm. That's it, Loco," James murmured, sliding a hand up to the small of Shepard's back, pushing him down further and forcing his hips to cant downward. Kaidan's hand joined in, coming up to touch Shepard's shoulder and press down until Shepard was sprawled forward on the bed, elbows spread above his head next to Kaidan's hip. James was spreading his taut backside, rubbing his thumbs over the banded muscle. Kaidan lifted a hand to rub through the short hair on John's scalp, stroking his head with a combination of affection and suppressed need. Shepard turned his head so he could face Kaidan, eyes bright. He might have willingly given control over to Kaidan, but that didn't mean it had been easy.

"James, why don't you go ahead and…," Kaidan began. The lieutenant smirked and dipped his head, swiping his tongue in a broad stroke over Shepard's entrance, preempting the major's directive. 

"Yeah, that's it," Kaidan acknowledged.

Vega worked his tongue over Shepard's skin. Kaidan watched as the muscles in his back flexed every so often in irresistible contractions at the sensation. 

When Vega repeated the motion and then kept at it, Shepard made a soft sound of pleasure. Kaidan's fingers began rubbing little circles on Shepard's head in time with the motion of Vega's tongue teasing his opening. Vega's fingers tightened over Shepard's skin as he worked his tongue over and into Shepard. The commander's knuckles bumped against Kaidan's thigh as his hand fisted in the sheets.

Seeing Shepard lose control was...  
He could only be momentarily jealous of the fact that it wasn't him causing it directly, given that he had front row seats to the look on his face. And he wanted more. Kaidan reached for the bedside table drawer, fingers fumbling a little as he found himself unable to tear his eyes away from Shepard's face.

"James," he said, sliding the bottle of lube across the sheets next to Vega. "Lube up and fuck him with your fingers. John?" he said, and locked eyes with his lover. "Don't come until I tell you to."

Shepard's eyes narrowed at that, but to Kaidan's pleasure, the look was also accompanied by a small, wicked smile which crossed the commander's lips for the briefest of moments before he turned his head and pressed his forehead into his wrists. The lieutenant was smearing the gel around his opening in a brisk motion and then he centered his first two fingers, pushing into Shepard slowly but surely. He twisted his wrist as his knuckles brushed the skin of Shepard's ass, grinding his fingers inside the commander before sliding back in a smooth stroke. Shepard let out a shaky breath as he pushed forward again, more quickly this time. Then again. Before long he had a steady stroke going.

Kaidan savored every shift and shudder that rippled along the muscles in Shepard's back. Though the sheet was firmly tucked over his lap, separating him from the play, Kaidan couldn't resist chasing those tremors across Shepard's spine.

It seemed that the lieutenant was bent on surprising them again with his skills in the bedroom.  
His broad fingers were working in the sensitive rim of Shepard's flesh, and going deeper to tease the even more pleasurable bump of his prostate. Shepard's face was flushed, cheeks red with the heat of his reaction as well as the glow of the cybernetics holding him together. 

Kaidan felt a wicked grin stretch across his lips.  
"So, marines, let's ah… let's see which one of you has more stamina," Kaidan said, glancing between their flushed faces and reddened cocks. "Lieutenant, you're going to fuck him, and you're not going to stop fucking him until one of you comes. Feel free to ah... use your hands to encourage him to lose," he added, smirking. 

"Whenever you're ready," he murmured, and James slipped his fingers from Shepard's body, even that simple motion eliciting a shudder from the sensitized commander. There was no preamble as James rose up onto his knees and gripped the commander's hips in his broad hands, positioning him just so. He pushed the head of his dick against the commander's slick opening and nudged the tip inside. He paused only a moment before thrusting deep, dragging a moan from Shepard's lips.

His broad palm stroked over the small of Shepard's back to grip his opposite hip, letting his other hand slip down along the sensitive skin over his hamstring before he drew back slowly. He followed it with a slow press forward, again using unexpected timing. Kaidan was mesmerized by the look on John's face, contorting with pleasure, flickers of surprise and a glossy loss of control. 

The major was painfully hard, body _desperate_ for him to join in - or at least touch himself. To do _anything_. He really didn't understand how Shepard could just _watch_ sometimes without even touching himself. Then again, Shepard had never been faced with the sight of James fucking his lover in a tangle of sweat and golden skin and taut muscles. It was unbelievable. 

Kaidan curled his fingers of one hand into the sheets beside Shepard's hands, gripping the edge of the mattress with the other, restraining himself as he watched James pick up a hard and fast pace. James's hands were not so restrained. They stroked over Shepard's skin, then dipped down below his ribs to scratch at the more sensitive skin of his flank and belly. He only just brushed his fingers over Shepard's cock, teasing him expertly.

Shepard groaned, determination fierce on his face. But slowly, with each thrust, the leader in Kaidan's little competition became clear. Despite the careful teasing and preparation, despite the deliciously rough strokes James was imparting on the commander, it was the commander who held, while the lieutenant faltered. His thrusts became more erratic, the muscles in his core gripping on the edge of his orgasm, strangling his persistence. Shepard groaned, arms tense where he gripped the bed, cheeks taut and drawn into a raw and feral look of satisfaction

When James cursed, gasping out " _¡Ay, puñeta!_ " as he slammed home into the commander's body, Shepard made a throaty sound of triumph, face curling into a blown-out grin. He ground himself back in a wicked twist over the lieutenant's cock as if he might drag every last sensation from the younger man's orgasm. 

Kaidan knew the moment when it got to be too much. He wrenched his gaze away and tipped his head back against the headboard, closing his eyes and trying to focus on his breathing or relaxing his muscles or _anything_ besides the desperate huffs and moans beside him or the painfully hard tension in his groin. But it was too late. Foolish of him.

The dribble of blood slipping down his lip had him pressing a quick hand there, then slipping his legs from the sheets so he could turn and reach for the box of tissues that were down on the bedside table. His movement knocked the bottle of lube from the bed to the deck with a clatter.

Shepard was at his side in an instant, pressing him back onto the mattress and taking the tissues from him, pushing them there to mop up the blood.

"Damnit Kaidan," he said, frowning sharply. He was still hard, and there was a smear of lube and James's come trailing down his thigh.

"I'm fine, Shepard," Kaidan said, annoyed, voice muffled by the tissue. He pushed John's hand away and adjusted the tissues under his nose so they didn't cover his mouth. He didn't sit up, but he did take a steadying breath and turned his gaze on Shepard, doing his best to project an aura of control. "I'm fine. Why don't you go grab a shower and finish up."

"I got this, Loco." James said, clearing the tray from the bed and setting it on the coffee table. He brought back a fresh batch of tissues and extended them to Kaidan, who took them and exchanged them for the used ones, shoving them in the bin. 

The commander scowled at him, but Kaidan turned the power of his own eyebrows on him. He was the one making the decisions today, after all. Shepard knew it. "Go," he ordered.

Shepard frowned, but rose, apparently ready to comply with the command as Vega lifted Kaidan's feet back onto the bed. As Shepard walked away, Kaidan closed his eyes and concentrated on lowering his blood pressure back to normal. James began rubbing soothing circles up and down his limbs.

By the time Shepard returned from the shower, dressed once more in a crisp uniform, it was clear that roles had reverted to their normal configuration. It was every inch the commander who marched down the steps and stood at his natural parade rest, looking them over.

"Bleeding stopped a while ago," Kaidan said, keeping his voice neutral and calm. Too much reassurance would just make his vigilance worse. Shepard's gaze on him was hard. Cold. There was a long moment of silence as he studied Kaidan. Probably considering whether to order him downstairs to the med-bay.

"Lieutenant, stay with the major and make sure he resumes his bed rest. Get him more food when he's ready."

"Aye-aye, Loco," James said.

Kaidan frowned at the commander, annoyed at the high-handed behavior. But there was nothing wrong with the orders. Shepard stared back at him before adding, "I'd stay, but I've got to get back to work."

Right. The war that Kaidan was on the bench for. He closed his eyes and sighed bitterly.

"Kaidan?" Shepard asked more softly, looking down at his lover.

Kaidan opened his eyes. "Understood," he replied quietly, meeting Shepard's eyes for a long moment before the commander nodded, then turned and made his way out of the cabin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 Songs:  
> Running Up That Hill, Placebo  
> Decode, Paramore  
> Come Back, Depeche Mode  
> In Rain, Mad at Gravity

Shepard hadn't touched him sexually for the rest of the week. They'd slept in their usual fashion, tangled in each other's limbs, with various combinations including James. But the bed had been for sleep only. By the end of the week Kaidan had had enough sleep to last him a lifetime. He liked having James around, even when it wasn't for the sex. And so it also seemed for Shepard. Still, the sexual frustration was about to kill him. Nobody had gotten any the whole week due to his failure to not have a damn nosebleed.  
Well. He assumed nobody else was getting any. And that wasn't a thought he wanted to pursue. He wasn't in the most rational of moods; starting to go a little stir-crazy. 

All of that had him terribly relieved when the mission specs came in for the day's plans. No assignments were posted on the mission, so Kaidan suited up and made his way down to the cargo bay in the hope that it meant what it usually did; that people could volunteer to go because Shepard didn't have a particular preference for who he needed on mission yet.

Of course, that didn't mean things were going to go to plan.

"What do you think you're doing?" Shepard demanded, stepping into Kaidan's path as he headed for the shuttle.  
Kaidan came up short, arm that held his helmet lifting on reflex and it bumped against Shepard's armor.

"No," Shepard said, before Kaidan could even reply, voice going hot. "No way."

Garrus was behind him, closer to the shuttle, checking his clips. He turned smoothly at the sound of Shepard's raised voice, brow-plates raised.

Kaidan glared at him, "Shepard. It's been a week, just like Doctor Chakwas said."

Shepard gave him a look that brooked no argument. "You know damn well that was a week of rest before you can even begin training again. Not a week before you were fit for missions."

"Shepard, I'm fine," Kaidan said, voice tinged with exasperation.

Shepard's face slid into The Commander as he turned from Kaidan, hefting his rifle from his locker. "No, you're not. You're not cleared, no matter what you say. I'm not going to put my life or Garrus's life in danger for your pride."

"Shepard-,"

"Kaidan, this is not a discussion. The fact of the matter is you're no good to me out there. I can't rely on your biotics anymore," he said firmly, voice and face flat.

Kaidan felt it like a punch to the throat.

"And you know damn well that I need my squad tight," Shepard continued. "You're being a complete idiot if you think you're on form."

"I'm still a damn good soldier, John," he snapped. "I don't need biotics for that."

The door to the elevator hissed open behind them, and the easily recognizable heavy footfalls of the lieutenant could be heard behind them.

"I've already got one of those, and he's not injured," Shepard replied flatly, securing his rifle and jerking his helmet from his locker. 

"Ey, Loco, you ready to get this shit started?" James called as he marched over to the weapons bench and snagged his waiting shotgun. Neither of them turned to the lieutenant. Shepard's face went stony as Kaidan's tightened into a bitter glare. 

"Major, you coming too?" the lieutenant asked as he neared.

"Apparently not," he replied, voice tight as he on his heel and brushed past the lieutenant without looking at him and strode back to the waiting elevator.

 

Not only was there the humiliation experienced in the shuttle bay, he was forced to endure the confused look from Traynor as he returned to the CIC. Though he could have stayed upstairs after he changed out of his armor, the cabin wasn't particularly appealing at the moment. 

He killed some of the time by doing reports. But that only lasted so long since he'd already arranged to clear his schedule to go on the mission. He lurked in the cockpit, exchanging banter with Joker until the easy dialogue turned stilted and awkward at him over-staying the natural conclusion of the conversation. 

Eventually he ended up in the gym for some PT. Weight lifting was already off limits, but he figured cardio would be ok. And it was, it felt good - except when EDI tattled on him to the Doc and she came down to scowl at him and threaten him with another physical if he didn't stop the workout after a half-hour run on the treadmill.

He didn't. He ran for an hour. He needed to run. His body felt strange not using his biotics, not burning absurd quantities of calories each day. He hadn't even begun working on testing out his abilities since the biotic cascade that had put him out of commission. Partly in obedience to his R&R orders, but also, if he was honest, because he was terrified of trying them out and having them fail.

So he ran till the breaths he sucked in filled the deepest parts of his lungs and his body ached with the rush of energy-expenditure and endorphins.

He knew when they'd returned by the feel of the Normandy shifting as she met them at rendezvous and took the shuttle back on board. As he made his way up to the med bay, nodding at Liara and Adams in the galley. He was reassured that whatever the mission had been about, it had been successful since there was no notification to him or to Liara. As the ranking crew aboard, they would be the first to be notified if something was wrong. Other than that, he was currently too annoyed to care.

Chakwas took a brief scan and scowled, but she pronounced him healthy enough. She authorized him to continue cardio workouts and to begin training his biotics again. Though she admonished him again about his body-fat levels. He sent a message to Liara requesting a meeting to train together before he could second-guess himself. He decided that instead of heading up to the cabin just yet, he'd get a drink from the lounge and scrub off the drying layer of sweat in the crew showers. Best to avoid Shepard if possible, given the ball of temper he'd been ignoring for the last couple hours.

The whiskey was good. It warmed his throat and scratched at the chilled edge that had been sitting heavy inside him since Shepard's rejection. The shower would be even better, he decided.

It wasn't until he was already halfway into the men's room that he realized the showers weren't empty. He had his shirt pulled out of his crew shorts and bunched in his hands when he took in the sight of Shepard leaning against one wall with his face to the door. And there was James, standing far closer to him than friendly. In fact, the lieutenant had his hands full of dick, rubbing slowly under the spray of water. 

Kaidan heaved a tight breath through his nose. Making out with the lieutenant, sleeping together, or the three of them enjoying some bed-sport together was one thing. Shepard having Vega jerk him off - and not in their cabin - that was something else. And something that would definitely warrant some discussion. Oh, he understood the sexual rush that could follow the adrenaline rush of a successful mission. He couldn't count the number of times he and Shepard had come back from a mission and gone straight to their cabin, fucking while still covered in sweat and blood and dust, desperate hands and lips bringing each other to explosive finishes before cleaning up and resuming at a more leisurely pace. But part of him felt like that was something special, something just for them. He didn't like seeing it generalized.

Shepard had noticed him and cocked an eyebrow at him as Kaidan still stood in the middle of the room. The major pursed his lips and finished dragging his cooling sweat-soaked shirt off and tossed it in the laundry chute. His shorts followed soon after and his shoes were kicked off and set beside the shower area.

He wasn't particularly interested in joining them, but he wasn't about to turn tail either and leave his lover with… well. _His lover_. It was all getting rather complicated, wasn't it? Shepard was watching him with narrowed eyes as he moved to the showerhead on the opposite side of the shower bay. He had a feeling the look on his face was rather nasty when he looked back at Shepard as his bare feet splashed a little in the pooling water. The commander was being damnably inscrutable with his face all neutral and his dick in Vega's hands. When Kaidan stepped up to the controls he saw John's gaze shift down, probably in response to James looking up abruptly at the sound of a second showerhead activating and distracting him from the task at hand.

James licked his lips reflexively as he glanced at Kaidan, but the tension in the air was palpable enough that he held his tongue. Shepard was only half hard. And Vega didn't look too serious about it. Just some grab-ass more than anything. Still, it was a bit annoying to get blindsided with. He could deal. He'd just wash it off with the sweat.  
Kaidan turned his back on them, more interested in rinsing off the sweat and fatigue of his workout than dealing with the pair of them or the emotions thrashing around in the back of his mind.

Of course, Shepard didn't know how to leave well-enough alone and made a beeline for Kaidan. He set his jaw and then lifted his head to look at the commander when he came to stand beside him. Kaidan wasn't interested. The face he made at Shepard was intended to make that clear. He saw Shepard's gaze narrow, calculating. He was fairly certain it wasn't _I'm pissed so let's have rough sex_ that was showing on his face. It was more along the lines of _I'm done._  
But fuck all if Shepard didn't step in a little closer anyway and lift a hand to brush against the curve of Kaidan's hip.  
Then again, he wasn't exactly certain that Shepard knew how to distinguish between the two looks.  
Or that even if he could, he'd care.

The silence was loud, but Kaidan was loathe to break it. He could have begun some inane conversation about whether the mission was a success, but it was obvious that it had been, and he didn't particularly think he would be able to keep his tone of voice in check if he did.

Instead Kaidan glanced over his shoulder at Shepard, eyes flicking to Vega behind him across the shower bay before returning to the electric blue of the commander's gaze. Shepard's lips twitched and then he frowned, looking like a sentence was hanging in the back of his throat as his knuckles ribbed against Kaidan's skin.

Kaidan felt the tight thread of his anger slip off the edge at the look in his eyes. It was almost apologetic. Almost. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen a look on Shepard's face that would actually qualify as apologetic.

Well. He glanced down involuntarily at his hands, turning his wrists over in memory of bruises long gone. Of gentle hands holding his. Shepard's fingers brushed against his forearm. He sighed and shook his head, forcing a semblance of a smile on his face as he glanced back up at John. 

The commander promptly smirked and then leaned against the wall next to Kaidan tracking appreciative eyes over his form, arms crossed. It seemed he was mostly still operating under a _look but don't touch_ interdiction. 

"You know, Chakwas cleared me for duty," Kaidan said as he resumed sudsing up. "As it happens."  
His tone was just breathy enough to be flirtatious with all that sexual frustration edging under his skin.

Shepard's eyebrows went up and his head tilted as he uncrossed his arms.  
"In that case… want a hand there, Major?" Shepard asked, voice low and a little rough from the day's exertions.

Kaidan sent him a withering glance but the commander just smirked back at him. He ran a slow hand over Kaidan's shoulder, then up to rub the back of his neck, massaging the tight muscles there idly. Kaidan let his hands slow in their motion of working the soap over his body and leaned into Shepard's hand a little. Shepard raised an eyebrow as he studied Kaidan's face, and then glanced back to where Vega was presumably still standing. He jerked his chin over to summon the lieutenant. Kaidan turned as he approached. 

"Hey," Vega said, corner of his mouth drawing upward into a smile.  
Kaidan shrugged off the rest of his annoyance and offered a similar expression back. "Hey James," he replied quietly.

James glanced between them, then leaned forward to press a kiss to Kaidan's lips. It was just a quick peck, but it had Kaidan smiling more broadly in response.

Shepard reached behind him to hit the soap dispenser, palming a ball of foam in his hands that he lifted to smear across Kaidan's chest. His fingers teased over Kaidan's nipple, flicking it hard enough to have Kaidan sucking in a breath. James's hands lifted to bump along below Shepard's, moving around in the soap, scrubbing it against the soft hair on Kaidan's abdomen. He slipped a hand up to tease Kaidan's other nipple, then up to his neck, rubbing the foam in gentle circles on his skin. 

The pair of them gave him a thorough rub-down. It was a bit surreal to have his washing taken out of his hands. A career soldier didn't exactly get full service spa treatment on a regular basis. Or, like, ever. James picked up Kaidan's hand and set it on his thick shoulder, leaning his cheek against Kaidan's forearm. He pressed a kiss there before slowly working the soap up Kaidan's arm, then under it into the sensitive dip of his armpit before getting distracted again by his budded nipple. 

Kaidan tipped his head back sending a cascade of water down over his chest, rinsing away mounds of suds. His lovers chased the water with stroking hands, then lips. Shepard kissed his neck and jaw on one side while James kissed his cheekbone and his ear.

The lieutenant's kisses made their way down to the corner of his mouth as Shepard's moved down his chest, suckling hard on his nipple in passing. Kaidan turned his head into James's kiss, letting his lips part against the soft wet heat of the lieutenant's mouth. It was a heady sensation, having two mouths on him at once. Kaidan broke the kiss to gaze down as Shepard knelt at his feet, running his scarred palms down Kaidan's muscled thigh, dipping his thumbs into the groove of his kneecap. James dug in at his neck again, sucking hard on his skin, the growing hardness of his cock nudging against Kaidan's thigh. It, combined with Shepard's teasing hands had Kaidan's twitching in response. 

Shepard gazed up at Kaidan. The water splashing over his face had a way of highlighting the faint orange glow beneath some of the thinner scar tissue on his cheek. They were a visible reminder that Shepard was pushing himself too hard. That his body was straining to keep up with the fire inside him. 

And he was benching Kaidan. 

The pit of his stomach twisted, though whether it was from the spike of lust triggered by Shepard's tongue on the sensitive skin inside his knee, or the thought that he couldn't be as useful to Shepard as he needed to be, he couldn't tell.

Shepard was working his hands in massaging circles up Kaidan's calf. Then James was kneeling beside Shepard, sliding broad hands down his flank and kneading into his thigh. The teasing strokes had him hard, aching for a direct touch, but they skirted his groin. Their fingers touched and pulled and massaged his legs and hips, and further between his legs and over the curve of his ass as they surveyed his body. He stifled a groan as he watched them, kneeling at his feet, skin glistening in the water. They exchanged a glance, and then abruptly they were both moving.

"Shit," Kaidan moaned as the both of them pushed face first into his lap. It seemed he wasn't the only one full to the brim with sexual frustration. There were suddenly tongues and teeth and stubble rubbing over every inch of his length. Someone's tongue pushed along one of the thicker veins running along his cock, then his mouth closed over it and he sucked hard like he wanted to leave his mark on Kaidan's cock. Kaidan's knees threatened to buckle, but two sets of strong hands gripped his thighs and hips, steadying him as he pushed back against the shower wall.

His feet were each pinned or braced between strong thighs, his legs spread. Questing fingers slipped up the cleft of his backside, teasing at his entrance. Others tugged on the curve of his balls while mouths were occupied still battling over the surface of his length. It was a tandem assault, executed with perfect synchrony. As Shepard's lips closed around the tip of his straining erection, James's blunt fingers pushed in at his hole, teasing at the rim of soft flesh inside him.

Vega's lips remained on his shaft, sucking near the base as Shepard's lips slipped down his length, taking in as much of Kaidan as he could, bringing him in close enough that his lips brushed against James's. Kaidan very nearly forgot to breathe at the sight.

They switched as if it had been planned, and suddenly Kaidan's cock was being engulfed by a different mouth. He hadn't had the lieutenant's mouth on him before - hadn't had anyone's but Shepard's for a long time. It was different, the pattern, the shape. He tipped his head back against the wall, closing his eyes and losing himself in the sensations.

Shepard's fingers slid up beside James's which were still deep inside Kaidan but had grown quiet as he focused on what his mouth was doing. Kaidan groaned as Shepard's fingers nudged up between the lieutenant's, making room for themselves there, though there was hardly any room to be made. His breaths came in shallow fits as Shepard began pumping his hand, forcing Vega's fingers to grind inside him again.

Then Shepard's hand was on the back of the Lieutenant's head, forcing him further down Kaidan's length. He choked, muscles in his throat spasming around his cock even as Shepard pushed him onward till his nose bumped Kaidan's abdomen. One pair of the fingers inside him curled reflexively. Kaidan choked on a moan as Shepard let him go and Vega drew back, gasping for breath. But he simply cleared his throat and ducked forward again, eyes bright, eager for more. This time Kaidan's hand joined Shepard's in pulling the lieutenant tight, forcing his cock as far down James's throat as he could. The sight and sensations were unbelievable.

"Oh hell," he hissed, thrusting forward abortively as the peak hit him. The orgasm was long, pent up energy making itself heard in the shaking that rushed through him as he spilled himself down the lieutenant's throat. He coughed again when he drew back, but he grinned up at Kaidan, rubbing a thumb under his lip to swipe at the trail of saliva and come slipping down his chin.

Before Kaidan could so much as catch his breath, Shepard was standing and grabbing Vega by the waist, hauling him up after him. Clearly he wasn't done with the lieutenant. He grinned ferally at Kaidan as he commandeered James.

Shepard guided James roughly towards the wall of the shower, to one side of the spray. He pressed on the back of his neck over his tattoo, but kept a hand on his hips so that James canted his body forward, bracing himself against the wall.

"Stay," he ordered.

Shepard knelt behind him, bringing a hard hand down on the wet flesh of his rear, a resounding slap echoing through the chamber. The wetness of their skin had to make a slap like that smart but James grunted in a way that sounded distinctly like pleasure. Shepard spread Vega's legs and the lieutenant tilted his hips further to give him easy access.  
Kaidan tipped his head back against the wall, still trying to catch his breath and failing as his mind flooded with images of exploring exactly which things pleased James. 

Kaidan watched as Shepard bent his head to the task of licking his way around Vega's entrance. The major meandered over, running an idle hand over the buzz of hair on Shepard's scalp, letting his palm add just a little encouraging pressure to the rim-job. But he didn't doubt that Shepard's action was primarily one of preparation. 

Then he moved forward and eased himself under the bridge of James's arm so that he could lean back against the wall between the lieutenant's arms. The bite marks on either side of James's chest were still visible, highlighted by the flush of his skin. It was a magnificent sight. Kaidan angled his head forward to capture the younger marine's parted lips, receiving a hard and desperate kiss in return for his trouble. He let his hands roam slowly over the lieutenant's body, slipping down to cup his sex, jutting from his hips fully thick and darkened with deep arousal. Then he placed his teeth carefully over the fading mark on James's lip and _pulled_ , rending the healing skin once more. The unfathomable look in James's eyes when Kaidan pulled his head back made him feel completely breathless. 

Shepard, having decided that he'd done enough, stood, and with more or less no warning, brought the tip of his cock up to the pucker he'd so thoroughly teased. Kaidan watched James's face, transfixed as the commander drove himself forward, letting out an unsteady sigh as he bottomed out. The lieutenant's expression was one of exquisite torment, his throat tight over his faint moan. Kaidan rolled his hands, stroking over the lieutenant's cock as Shepard made a pleased hum and began to fuck him steadily, skin slapping against the residual shower water. James tipped his head down onto Kaidan's shoulder, mouth gaping over his moan as the commander pounded him. Kaidan could feel each thrust through to his hands, felt the way James's cock pulsed and jumped when a stroke hit a particularly good angle. He tugged and stroked deliberately off-tempo with Shepard, reveling in the way James's breath stuttered against his skin. He grinned at Shepard over the lieutenant's shoulder, savoring the dark smirk that hovered on Shepard's face as he gazed back. 

Then Kaidan knelt and placed his hands below Shepard's, stabilizing James in the opposite direction as he bent his head forward to nose along the length of him. The thrust of Shepard's hips pushed James's dick forward against Kaidan's skin. He moved his mouth back to the tip so he could wrap his lips around the swollen tip, pulling his mouth tight around the ridge. He sucked hard, letting Shepard do the work of thrusting by himself. James stayed with his hands braced against the wall, head tipping forward to lean against the cool polymer beneath his palms. His eyes were screwed shut and his mouth gapped open, breaths coming short and fast as they plundered his body.

Kaidan slipped a hand down to roll James's balls in his hand. He heard Shepard grunt when his fingers collided with Shepard's balls swinging forward on a hard thrust. He seemed to like it considering that he repeated the motion.  
Kaidan rotated his fingers so that he could push back on James's nuts and listen to the slap of Shepard's against his. Both men groaned and Kaidan renewed his efforts sucking on the lieutenant's dick. He was careful with his teeth and kept his throat lined up as he resumed his syncopated rythym, despite the difficulty caused by the thrust of Shepard's hips forcing James's cock to slip deeper at off moments. James tipped his head back on another throaty moan.

"Fuck. This time I swear, _pendejo_ ," he grit out, voice full of determination. Shepard laughed and Kaidan simply sucked harder.

"Face it lieutenant, you're never going to win this battle," Shepard managed between breaths, "It's two to one, and we've got you pinned down."

Kaidan couldn't help but tip his head back and laugh above James's dick before he swiped his tongue in a long strip along the top of it, and then back down to the head. He gripped James's shaft and slapped the tip against his tongue a few times, eliciting a short groan from the lieutenant.

"Yeah, you're pretty much done for, Vega," Kaidan added, before he engulfed his cock once more.

"Might as well," Shepard said, reaching up to grab a fistful of short hair and tug the lieutenant's head back, "just give in."

He had to give the lieutenant credit for trying, but it was a losing battle, and before long he was cursing steadily under his breath, feet shifting unsteadily as two sets of hands braced him for the final push over the edge. He went abruptly silent, then gasped a heavy breath as his hips jerked against their grip and he erupted in Kaidan's mouth.

Shepard let fly a second slap on the lieutenant's ass and refocused his thrusts, tipping his head back on a low groan, letting himself go now too.

 _Competitive fucker_ Kaidan thought as he stood up again. He exchanged a slow kiss with the lieutenant as Shepard emptied himself into the younger marine. Then he curled his hand around the back of James's neck and pulled him tight so he could lean over his shoulder to grab Shepard and plant a kiss on his mouth as well. The look Shepard gave him when he lifted his head was dark with his pupils blown wide. 

He smiled lazily at them. They were both still gasping for breath. He let both of them go and ducked out from under James's arm. He splashed away in the pooling water, laughing faintly. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad day after all.

"I don't know about you two," he said over his shoulder. "But I'm starving."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 Songs:  
> Weak and Powerless, A Perfect Circle  
> Suffer Well [Alter Ego Remix], Depeche Mode  
> Gone Too Far, Soulsavers  
> 3 Libras, A Perfect Circle

If he were honest with himself, he was terribly nervous. He tried not to acknowledge it. It wasn't going to help anything. Because one way or another, unless he was going to retire from active duty - and yeah, there was no way in hell _that_ was going to happen, he'd have to try his biotics again.  
Liara was sitting beside him, cross-legged and quiet. He was kneeling in a fashion that was more traditionally turian, a habit he'd never unlearned from BaAT. It already was putting them on a different playing-field, him being head-and-shoulders higher than her, kneeling like a martial artist poised to spring into battle. She was relaxed and deep in her grounded position.

But tension could be used for focus, and nerves could be calmed. He concentrated on slowing his breathing, on tuning out the noise of the cargo bay, of the hum of the Normandy and the various crew in the background.

When he found his center, he sighed, and then opened his eyes. But Liara was frowning delicately at him.

"What?" he asked.

She hesitated, then looked down at the palms she had placed against the deck, fingers splayed against the metal. It was another contrast to his hands which were curled into him resting at his thighs. "I believe it is different, what you do. When I prepare to use my biotics, I open myself to the universe, take in the experience of the mass around me. That is the asari technique."

She shook her head and looked back at his tight position. "You seem to do the opposite."

He frowned. "Something like that. Do you think it will be a problem?"

She angled her head as she considered, then shook it slightly. "I have no way of knowing. I suppose we'll just have to try it and see."

He sighed and then nodded.

"Well. Let's begin with the drawing in," she said quietly, tipping her head back.

Kaidan pursed his lips. "Drawing in?"

She looked at him, surprised. "Oh dear. I should have done more research into human biotic training. I had assumed, foolishly, that the fundamentals were the same."

Kaidan sighed. "Well, you weren't the only one."

"It appears the psychological theory of the use of biotics differs between human and asari culture. It would be fascinating to see a comparative analysis of the different species' schemata. I wonder if there are any physiological correlates. I know that the asari have been influenced, evolutionarily speaking, by biotic abilities for far longer than humans or turians." She tilted her head and added, "I don't remember about the volus. I will have to look that up."

"That would be pretty interesting," Kaidan admitted. But he rolled his shoulders impatiently. "But I don't think it'll be much help right now."

She nodded solemnly. "No, of course not. Well then, why don't you just do what you're used to and I'll observe and try to assist if I can."

Kaidan nodded. He didn't add that he'd perhaps rather do it all alone if that was the case. But the simple fact of her presence was helpful in that he couldn't talk himself out of making the attempt. He was committed now. 

He closed his eyes again and focused on the core of himself, the infinite depth of the void. Then he visualized the depth as having form, that ethereal purple-blue light generated by his biotics. He reached for the center swiftly on reflex, pushing himself inside the void, pushing the biotics to his surface.

And abruptly realized something was off. _Very_ off. He tried to let the energy go, but it had already punched out around him in uneven spurts. Liara yelped as she was knocked sideways and skidded several feet across the deck.

"Shit," he muttered as he struggled to shut down his biotics.

When he opened his eyes and looked over he sighed in relief. Liara looked surprised, but fine.

"Well then," she said with a faint laugh. "I guess I will bring my barrier up."

 

It took two hours, but by the end of it, he was able to bring up a stable biotic field around his body. His ankles ached from staying perched on his knees and toes, but the pain wasn't any more than he could handle. The fact that his legs hurt more than his head did was a significant fact, one that kept him going.

Once the stable field had been achieved, Liara had lifted one of the medium-sized crates over into the clear deck space before them. She'd done it without a second thought, gliding the object over gracefully. Kaidan wasn't sure he'd ever know what it was like to use biotics so effortlessly as an asari would. 

They began simple drills; lifting the object, guiding the object in a pattern. The next step would have been the equivalent of tossing a ball, but it wasn't following an easy progression. Each new thing he tried was different,  
Movement in his peripheral vision distracted him and the crate veered wildly sideways before Liara stabilized it and nudged it to the ground with a thunk. Kaidan sighed in frustration as he glanced over to see the lieutenant leaving his alcove, wiping his hands down on a rag. 

James offered him a sympathetic smile, then mouthed "hoo-rah" at him. It had Kaidan cracking a grin and shaking his head. It warmed him. Hoo-rah. A call of solidarity, of understanding what it meant to dig deep and then beyond. To face failure time and time again, and never give up. Kaidan smiled at him and nodded. James returned the smile with a wink. Then the lieutenant disappeared off to the elevator, and Kaidan refocused his attention on the crate. They only made it through another fifteen minutes of training before the next interruption.

The shuttle was suddenly moving with a loud whirring sound as the crane began to lower it. The crate clattered to the deck at the interruption and Kaidan cursed in frustration, swiping the heel of his hand over the streaks of sweat on his brow.

Liara stood gracefully and said, "Perhaps that's enough for today."

He couldn't disagree. The ache in his head had grown to match the ache in his legs and back. The elevator doors were sliding open as he stood, and Garrus and Shepard stepped off, fully armored. Garrus headed straight to his locker and began what Kaidan recognized as his pre-mission checks. Shepard gazed assessingly at Kaidan and Liara before he walked over to the second bank of lockers and punched in his authorizations.

"Thanks Liara," Kaidan said and she nodded. 

"My pleasure," she said. "I'll have to do some reading up on comparative biotic theory."  
He smiled through his exhaustion at that and exchanged a nod before she turned, heading off towards the elevators as he made his way towards Shepard.

"Kaidan," Shepard said, glancing at him as he neared. "You've started your training again."

"Something like that." He rubbed his palm over his forearm where the hairs were still standing slightly on end with residual energy. He was bone weary, he realized as he leaned against the locker.

"Going well I presume," he said, affixing his backup pistol to his hip before lifting his larger rifle out of his locker. 

Kaidan hesitated, feeling the exhaustion dragging at him as well as the anxiety itching at the back of his throat. The training session hadn't been what he would call successful. He wanted to be honest, to lay it all out, to let go of the worries piling up inside him, but the statement hadn't been a real question. Shepard wasn't even looking at him. He was busy doing standard checks of the weapon before slinging it over his back into its slot. It wasn't the time for an open discussion.

"It's going," Kaidan replied eventually.

Shepard glanced at him and nodded. He began methodically strapping grenades to the holsters on his armor. The ache behind Kaidan's eyes was gradually turning into more of a throbbing sensation, and he could feel the amp-port in a visceral sense, spearing through his skull. 

He should just leave Shepard to it then. But he did give in to one impulse, reaching over to brush his hand against the line of Shepard's jaw. He was gratified to see the commander's attention settle on him directly, albeit in surprise. He offered a slight smile, saw Shepard's eyes dart over him in inspection. Then he let him go and made his way to the elevator and up to their cabin.  
He was just sitting down in the lounge chair when the door opened again. He glanced up, half expecting to see Shepard.

Instead it was James, decked out in full armor, the tea cup in his palm dwarfed by his size and bulky gear.

"Hey. Thought you could maybe use a cup," James said, trotting down the steps and walking over to Kaidan.

"Thanks," he said, surprised, taking the extended mug. James hesitated momentarily, then followed the mug in, leaning over Kaidan to press his lips to the major's for a firm but brief kiss.

"You were training hard. I had no idea how intense biotic training was," he said, drumming thick fingers on his ammo-belt absently as Kaidan lifted the mug to his mouth and drew in a deep breath, scenting the tea. 

"Yeah. Can be," Kaidan agreed. It was one of his favorite blends. He gazed back up at the smiling lieutenant.

"But hey, your biotics are there first try and all! Lighting up the whole damn bay. It's a good sign. Good progress," he said, grinning. 

Kaidan let out a rough whoosh of breath at that. "Yeah. Yeah I guess so," he said, smiling faintly up at the lieutenant. "Guess I didn't realize how nervous I was about trying them again," he admitted.

"I bet," James replied, voice soft and warm. His smile was soft and warm too, as were his eyes. Kaidan stared at him, then down at his tea.

"Thanks," he said again. The word probably encompassed more than the tea cradled in his palm.

"Sure thing. Well, gotta run," James said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.

Kaidan blinked at him, then tucked his chin as he said firmly, "Take care."

The tea warmed his chest long after the lieutenant departed.

 

The mood hadn't lasted.

A few nights later Kaidan was already undressing in silence when Shepard came up to the cabin. Shepard sent him a nod and started stripping as he came down the steps. Neither of them, however, made any move on the other. 

It had been a few nights since they'd had sex - in fact, only once since the start of the week. It wasn't all that uncommon to go a few days without intimacy, when missions were hot and downtime short. Of course, the war meant the missions were always hot and downtime was always short. But still, they usually managed to squeeze in a quick blow job here and there. Usually. But not lately. 

Kaidan's absence from the squad made the missions just that much more stressful, and kept him and Shepard much more separate than usual. With every day that passed, though, he realized more how much he missed the Shepard he knew in the field, reckless, excited in the heat of battle. The way he'd been in the showers after that mission a few days prior, aggressive yet playful. There'd been laughter. Despite everything, there'd always been the thread of reckless humor that kept them sane.

But on board the Normandy he was even more serious than ever. Part of it was the war data constantly streaming in. There was never a break from the information, even when they were stuck in transit to a mission, unable to do anything. The numbers still hit them, urgent data streams dragging the horrors of it all to the forefront. And It seemed like all they ever shared was discussions of that data since their schedules were so different now. He never asked about how Kaidan's training was going. Shepard was gone on missions almost daily. Kaidan was training hard ever since Chakwas had cleared him. 

It left him exhausted, and feeling even more detached from Shepard. Which was a growing problem. And a downward spiral, because he did it not just to get back into fighting form but also because it kept his mind off of how James was taking his place on missions and, considering the shower scene he'd walked in on earlier, possibly elsewhere. Considering how many times had Kaidan and Shepard had come hot off a mission, fumbling up to the cabin for an excited fuck, still in their armor, high on the adrenaline... If Kaidan wasn't there, would Shepard use James instead?

He cast an assessing glance at Shepard, wondering whether there was any weight behind that theory. The lieutenant certainly had given the impression that he was... open. Interested. Had Shepard been taking that opportunity behind his back? Was that why they hadn't been intimate? 

It was something he was uncomfortable with not knowing the answer to. Probably something worth talking about. But it was silent in the cabin as Kaidan sat to pull his boots off and Shepard shoved his shirt in the hamper. It was late, and sleep took priority. He just…  
It felt like they were drifting apart.

"You, uh. Looked good training today," Shepard said, breaking the silence with jarring suddenness. His words were stilted, unsurprising since such feedback was a rarity with him. When Kaidan turned a quizzical look on him, he added, "saw you through the window tossing crates around when I was on my way to talk to Adams."

Kaidan sighed. "Yeah. I suppose it makes for a good show. Turns out I can barely keep them from hitting things, let alone keep the damn crates steady. We're lucky I didn't rip a hole in the bulkhead," he said, voice bitter with embarrassment. Shepard's face went blank and Kaidan winced. At least Shepard had _tried_. He put on a slightly more upbeat expression and said, "But on the upside, the power of my field is increasing, even if it's unstable."

"Well then it's good you didn't come on the mission," Shepard said.

As Shepard walked around the foot of the bed to his side, Kaidan grimaced and scrubbed his hand over his face. His automatic response was to disagree, to point out again that he was a soldier as well as a biotic. But that would just be another pointless argument, so when Shepard picked up a datapad and sat on the bed, leaning back against the headboard, Kaidan simply lay back and rolled onto his side, facing away from Shepard.

Besides, he was fully capable of reminding himself that he needed to be patient with his abilities. That he had always been a hard worker and this was no different. He didn't need Shepard to say those things.

"You know," Shepard said abruptly, "you're like an M-96 heavy rifle."

Kaidan rolled back over so he was flat on his back and tried to follow the metaphor. He crossed his arms and rubbed a speculative thumb under his chin.

Yeah. No. Not getting anywhere.  
"So..." 

"They're old school, like an L2," Shepard said tapping the datapad idly against his knee. Whatever he saw on Kaidan's face made him try again. "Obsolete but more powerful," he added. 

Kaidan stared at him, craning his neck up on his pillow.  
"You don't use the Mattock anymore," he said quietly, frowning.

Shepard frowned back at him. "Sometimes I do. My point is, it's still onboard. I keep it stocked in the armory."

Kaidan shook his head, completely taken aback.

"You're saying it's here for sentimental value," he said, voice flat as he stared up through the window at the stars flickering through the lens of the blueshift-emissions.

Shepard nodded firmly and looked slightly relieved. "It's got a place here on the Normandy."

Kaidan blanched. Shepard wasn't much for sentiment, except when it came to weapons. If he was saying... Well. Perhaps Kaidan wasn't the only one who needed a reminder to be patient and to have confidence in him. 

"Shepard, I'm going to get better. I will pull my weight again soon," he said firmly.

"Sure," he replied, patting Kaidan's shoulder. He was looking less relieved. Kaidan didn't feel comforted.  
"You've been pulling your weight here on the Normandy too Kaidan," Shepard said, frowning.

Kaidan glanced at him and frowned over the dizzy edge of discomfort in his chest. His stomach was full to replenish an excessive calorie burn, which wasn't helping the whole not-being-nauseous thing much.

"Sure. Yeah, ok," Kaidan said, ready for the conversation to be over. "You know, I think I'm going to grab a shower," he said, turning away and getting to his feet.

 

He didn't see the look of frustration on Shepard's face or the hand that was stretched out towards his side of the bed. He did hear the clatter of the datapad on the side-table, and when he returned from his shower, the lights were out and Shepard was turned firmly away from him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5: Alternatives  
> Miles Away/The Truth Is, Depeche Mode  
> The Red, Chevelle  
> One Year from Now, Katatonia  
> Guilt, Nero  
> No Light, No Light, Florence + the Machine
> 
> Download on mediafire:  
> [Part 1](http://www.mediafire.com/?cnc0r38chylcvee), [Part 2](http://www.mediafire.com/?ykp4i54txf12c3z)
> 
>  

The dream he had was a fuzzy blur of strong arms and hot lips. In the dream he had been held, wrapped warmly against someone's heartbeat. Safe. Happy. 

He woke alone, cold in the empty bed. 

Just as well. He didn't feel much like facing Shepard's perspective again just yet. 

He threw on his workout uniform, splashed some water on his face, and headed down to the mess. If Shepard had doubts, he'd just have to prove him wrong. He'd just train harder, he decided as he paced to the kitchen, nodding at the crew he passed. It was early yet, he realized, glancing at the large pot of still-brewing coffee as he began stuffing his pockets with protein bars. 

He'd eat a bar, get in a run, then focus on some biotic detail work. His power was fine, he'd established that well enough the last few days. He made his way back to the re-purposed life-support chamber. Now that all the retrofits had been more or less completed, the engineers didn't need to have the panels pulled apart at any given moment. The room seemed bigger than when all the wires had been loose, despite the fact that it now contained a pair of treadmills and a few sets of free-weights. 

When he'd run long enough to thoroughly warm him up as well as burn off some of his nerves, he slowed the treadmill to a walk and did a cool-down. Even still, he wasn't looking forward to the biotic training he had planned. He paced over to the rectangular area reserved for stretching or combatives or what have you, swiping the towel over his face and taking a few sips of water.

Doing explicit detail work reminded him a little too much of BaAT, of days and months spent struggling to do even the most basic things. But he had the discipline. If nothing else, all the years since his days as a teenager had come together into a strength of self on which he could rely.

Ironically it was easier to start with something heavy when he worked with smaller objects. It wasn't that complicated to create a big fat mass-effect field in the general direction of something big like a crate. Power of the manipulation was a secondary issue. What took concentration was creating a field around a narrow shape. He carried a set of the larger dumbbells to the mats. Having an object with more mass just meant there was more to work with.

He started with some basic meditation, focusing on bringing up his biotic field in a stable manner. That, at least, got easier every day. Then he moved on to doing simple lifts with the dumbbells to get familiar with them. Then came the hard part; putting them on specific trajectories. He traced simple patterns in the air with the weight. Once he got comfortable with one, he added a second, then a third.

He made it to level four before Shepard and Liara came in. 

"-undamentally unpredictable process," she was saying. 

He set down two of the weights promptly, just in case the distraction made them unstable. But Shepard hardly glanced at him, heading straight for the treadmill, Liara in tow. Liara looked surprised to see Kaidan and then faintly uncomfortable, though she offered a nice smile in his general direction. He returned it. They'd tried a few sessions together, but the disparities in their training backgrounds made it a failure at best. They'd decided that Kaidan would be better served working through on his own.

"Thanks Liara," Shepard said, punching up the system. "We'll talk more about this later."

Kaidan frowned, but tried to keep the pattern going. The distractions were just the sort of thing he had to deal with in the field. It would be good training to keep his mind focused instead of wondering what they'd been discussing so privately.

Shepard began a run, picking a pace that Kaidan knew meant he'd be running for a few miles. His presence tested Kaidan's concentration until the major let the steady pattern of his footfalls become just another tempo under his skin, mingling with the rhythm of his breath and heart beat. The three rhythms merged with a fourth; the pulsating hum of the Normandy.

He built a song from the percussive rhythms, a song of battle. He'd been more than a little embarrassed the first time he'd used that example with his students, thinking it was perhaps too lyrical for a bunch of young soldiers. But it had clicked with them, just as it had with him. Part of him wondered if he'd end up back there, training the newest generation of human biotics. Back then he'd been describing the feeling of using fully actualized biotics in battle. He hadn't really thought about using it for training. But it was working.

When Shepard stopped running it changed the pattern, but the song was steady in Kaidan's mind. He opened his eyes and in the mirrored wall watched Shepard step down from the treadmill. He didn't even glance Kaidan's way as he strode out of the gym, focused as ever on his mission. Not to be distracted. Kaidan closed his eyes and concentrated lest he drop one of the weights.

The next interruption came some extended time later. He wasn't sure exactly how much later it was, but at the sound of the door opening, he stopped the exercises, realizing that his skull was aching. It was the dull sort of hard-work ache. And the ache of low blood sugar. But no nosebleeds. Progress indeed. Then again, he hadn't been hurling massive objects around either.

"You letting yourself get all tense again _jefe_?" James's voice said behind him as his footfalls neared. He lifted two large palms and set them on Kaidan's shoulders, closing them in a strong grip. His touch was warm and soothing.

Kaidan chuckled and let the weights settle back to the deck. "Something like that."

James's hands rubbed slow circles on the tight muscle between his shoulders and Kaidan sighed, letting his head bow forward a little.

"So how's it coming?" James asked, companionable, easy, thumbs rubbing into the tiny muscles just beneath Kaidan's skull. 

"I had a good day," Kaidan said. "Really good. I was starting to get... worried, before this," he said, gesturing at the weights. 

"Yeah, I didn't have to duck this time," James said with a laugh.

Kaidan winced theatrically. "Heh. Yeah, sorry about that," he said, referring to the incident a couple days prior where he'd nearly beaned the lieutenant with one of the crates that had gotten out of control down in the cargo bay.

"So. Turns out I'm on strict orders to get you to eat and get some rest," James announced, letting go of him and stepping onto the mat.

"Oh?" Kaidan said, brows furrowing.

Vega shrugged, reaching down and fiddling with one of the weights. When Kaidan reached for one of them James said, "Uh-uh," and rolled it out of reach. He angled the second on top of it, then the third and fourth, lifting the stack effortlessly. 

"Orders?" Kaidan said, voice low with hints of irritation.

James shrugged "Doc and EDI have been monitoring you since you started training. I guess the commander wasn't too happy with what they had to say when he asked them about it earlier," he said as he carried the quad of weights back to the rack. 

"Wasn't too happy," Kaidan repeated.

James glanced at him as he finished putting the weights aside. "I don't know the details, but. Well he looked annoyed I guess. And so here I am, on orders," he said, turning back to Kaidan and offering him a hand up. Kaidan glowered at him as he did so, but took it and stood anyway.

"Come on, I'll make you some proper food."

"James, I've got plenty of ration packs right here," Kaidan said, patting his pocket.

James turned a grimace on him. "Now _that's_ just loco. There's a difference between survival and sustenance, Kaidan," he admonished. "And I'll show you the difference. You can go get a shower or whatever and I'll bring it up to your cabin."

"Well I won't say no to that," Kaidan murmured, following him out of the gym.

They parted at the elevator, the lieutenant promising a delicious riposte to the protein bar in Kaidan's hand. He ate it anyway on the ride up.

After he'd showered, he spent a long moment in front of the wardrobe deciding what to wear. Eventually he tugged on his uniform despite the lieutenant's prescription that he would soon be resting. Kaidan wasn't ready for sleep, despite the fact that it was later than he'd expected. He'd been surprised when he'd checked the clock. That surprise was part of what had him wanting to stay awake. He'd spent the entire day doing difficult biotic work, and while he was physically tired and had neglected his food intake, he wasn't feeling the hollowed-out edge he had been in days past.

It was good. Before long he'd be ready for missions again by anyone's standard, even Shepard's.

The lieutenant was fast with the food, bringing him a double-portion of stew along with a variety of sides. Despite the fact that he'd been munching on protein bars since he'd left the gym, Kaidan dug in with plenty of appetite. He was glad the lieutenant had brought his own meal with him. He wanted the company.

The lieutenant listened, interested as Kaidan talked about the training he'd done so far, how much it had improved in the day. The way James listened had Kaidan sharing the more private story of the rhythms and how he'd taught the technique. The lieutenant asked him questions about his students, and before long Kaidan realized he'd been talking for the better part of an hour about them. And that his dishes were empty. He was sated and his belly was heavy with good food. He was tucked comfortably into the couch, the mug of tea was still warm in his hands which were resting on Vega's thigh. Over the course of the hour they'd both made instinctive small adjustments, gestures that ended on each other's skin instead of in the air. His shoulder was tucked into the hollow of James's, the lieutenant's arm around his waist. James lifted his hand to take the tea mug Kaidan was holding and set it aside.

"Let's get you to bed, major," James said, rising, and Kaidan couldn't even muster up his obligatory annoyance as he followed since curling up with the lieutenant sounded like a very good plan indeed.

 

But that thought had him pausing at the foot of the bed. Since when had the lieutenant become his first thought when climbing into his and the commander's bed? He wasn't on bed-rest anymore, hadn't been all week. James hadn't been there since he'd come off bed rest.

As the lieutenant came to stand behind him, hands coming up to take hold on Kaidan's biceps and warm body pressing against his back, Kaidan realized that he'd _missed_ him. He'd missed having the lieutenant there. And that was far more complicated than he'd been prepared to deal with.

He felt a frisson of wariness as James kissed his way down Kaidan's neck, hands sliding down around his waist to rub over the bump of his groin. Kaidan's breath was tight, and his skin felt tight with desire to be touched. But...

James drew back and turned Kaidan, hands on his hips nudging him back till he sat at the foot of the bed, looking up at him. The lieutenant knelt then between his legs, hands gliding up over his chest to brush along his jaw. When James kissed him, Kaidan felt nauseous with the explosive clash of _right_ and _wrong_ that hit him at the same moment. It was a brief kiss, however, and James started in on the clasps of his uniform. Whether his intent was to take things further, or simply to playfully assist him at preparing to rest wasn't apparent, but Kaidan put a hand over the lieutenant's, frowning, putting a pause in the mix, a bid for caution.

There was the fact that Shepard hadn't hesitated to get into the showers and get handsy with the lieutenant without Kaidan around, or even the expectation that Kaidan would be there at all. Kaidan was in plain sight in their cabin. He wasn't hiding as though doing something wrong. They'd had the lieutenant in their bed more than a handful of times now. But the more he thought about it, the more it sounded like rationalization. A broad palm ran along his cheekbone, fingers slipping through his hair as James looked at him, brows drawn up in question.

Before he could make his decision, however, the door to the cabin opened and Shepard came in, datapad in hand, clearly on his way to the desk. Until he saw them. He stopped, tossed the datapad on the desk and then marched down the stairs as they drew apart.

"Mister Vega, the major is neither eating nor resting," Shepard said, voice flat as he stared down at the lieutenant, eyes like ice chips, body drawing up into a stiff parade rest.

And that did it, ripped his simmering annoyance with his lover right to the surface.

"The _major_ is right here, _commander_. And he didn't particularly feel like eating or resting," Kaidan snapped, pushing to his feet and crossing his arms.

Shepard's gaze narrowed on him, and Kaidan glared right back. Shepard's jaw worked, the faint orange of cybernetics flickering as his face tightened.

"Lieutenant, I think it's time you returned to your duties in the armory," Shepard said, voice cold as he gazed at Kaidan.

"Aye-aye," came the mechanical reply. A soldier's voice blanketing over any emotional reactions. Kaidan didn't look at him as he marched out of their quarters. He was too busy glaring at his lover, who was glaring right back.

"What in the hell are you playing at Kaidan?" Shepard demanded when the doors closed behind the lieutenant.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Shepard, you were the one who brought him up here in the first place."

"Yes, Kaidan, I invited him up to _our_ cabin. We haven't discussed anything beyond that."

Kaidan laughed mirthlessly, turning away to pace over to the empty fish tank. "Ok, John, you didn't exactly stop to check with me before getting friendly with the lieutenant in the showers the other day, so don't you pull that hypocritical line of bullshit on me."

Shepard opened his mouth to reply, but pursed his lips as he thought it over. After a long moment he nodded sharply. "You're right. I should have asked." 

And though that was exactly true, it also wasn't the whole story. Kaidan sighed, rubbing a hand over his mouth as he paced back, thinking it over. 

The commander frowned at Kaidan, then added, "I didn't realize it was an… issue."

"Look. It was ok. It… it seemed to me like you were enjoying the opportunity instead of rushing off to have a conversation with me about something we'd both already more or less agreed to. It's not an _issue_. I just wouldn't want to be blamed for doing the same."

Shepard was silent a long moment, gazing at his lover. He frowned. "That didn't look the same to me, Kaidan," he said quietly.

He wasn't wrong. Kaidan didn't have a reply for that one, his jaw pursed tight.

"And repeating my error…," Shepard said, leaving the admonishment unspoken but loud enough nevertheless.

He was right. But Kaidan didn't want him to just be right. Because _things_ weren't right. Annoyance buzzed within his chest and he tilted his chin up defiantly.

"Sure, John. Sure. But what else am I supposed to do? Because apparently you don't talk to me now. You just talk to everyone else _about_ me. And that _is_ an issue, by the way."

When Shepard's gaze narrowed at him, conveying disagreement or confusion, Kaidan shook his head. "Don't give me that. You know damn well that you've been avoiding talking to me about my biotic training. Which, fine. If you're not interested in hearing about how difficult it's been or how hard I'm working, then yeah. Then ok... whatever. I know we've both got plenty of important things on our minds," he said gesturing widely. Then his fingers curled into a pointed jab. "But what I don't appreciate is you talking to Liara and EDI and Chakwas about it _instead_ of me. I made excellent progress today, for your information."

Shepard stared at him, looking almost uncomfortable. 

"And just so we're clear? I'm not some rifle you can keep around for nostalgic reasons or assign someone to maintain." 

There was a long silence, and Kaidan bit his lip, turning his head away, annoyed at himself for letting his mouth run ahead of his better judgment again. He took a shaky breath and then sighed. "Sorry. I… that's it. Those are all the issues that have... been on my mind."

John frowned and stared through a random bulkhead, eyes tracking back and forth slightly as he thought it over. Then he turned and studied Kaidan's face for a long moment before he said, "Understood."

Kaidan lifted his eyes back to Shepard's and stepped closer, searching his eyes for the more personal meaning that the word held for them. It was there - god, it was there, vibrating between them like two pendulums sliding into sync. Kaidan took a slow breath, then offered a faint smile, brushing a hand against Shepard's arm. Shepard slid out of his stiff parade rest, easing forward enough to touch a hand to Kaidan's shoulder in return. 

Then Kaidan turned towards the desk behind them. He made his way over to it, turning over two glasses and pulling the top off the carafe, splashing a little into each glass. The ritual felt particularly appropriate at the moment.

"But maybe it's time we had that conversation," Kaidan said, handing Shepard a glass. They clicked them together, then tipped them back.

As he swallowed the fiery liquid, Shepard's gaze narrowed on Kaidan's face, assessing. Then he frowned. "About the lieutenant," Shepard said. It wasn't a question. He handed Kaidan his empty glass.

"Yeah, about the lieutenant," Kaidan said anyway, voice even more husky from the burn of the alcohol. He took the tumblers and set them aside.

Shepard looked down at the bed. Kaidan tried to organize his words. _You like having him_ or _He's been a good friend_ and _I've really enjoyed having him with us_ crossed his mind, but they sounded awkward. And before he could muster a sentence, Shepard spoke first.

"I think that game has perhaps run its course," he said quietly. Firmly, sending Kaidan's thoughts crashing to a halt.

Kaidan was at a loss for words. Hadn't they both enjoyed having the lieutenant in their bed? They'd hardly even scratched the surface of what the three of them could do together. He'd been expecting a discussion of limits, on who needed to be present for what, of which things required explicit prior agreement. He'd been willing to include implicit agreement to things like the shower with equal consideration between them. He wanted - 

Shepard was looking at him, face grim. Almost… vulnerable. 

It had been a whirlwind to say the least. And while he didn't think he agreed with Shepard, John had every right to draw the line on who they invited into their bedroom. Just as Kaidan did.

"Okay," he said simply. The hardness drained from Shepard's features at the word, shoulders relaxing finally.

Kaidan dropped the hand he'd been scrubbing over his mouth and shrugged. "Okay," he repeated, smiling faintly and shaking his head slightly as he stepped closer to his lover. He set his hands on Shepard's ribs and leaned in till his body pressed against Shepard's as John's arms came up over Kaidan's to pull him tight. He pressed his lips into the crook of John's neck and felt his breath on his ear. 

They held each other for a long time that way.  
Eventually they parted and each went back to work, for a while. But when time came for bed, they curled up tight in each other's arms.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6: Boundaries  
> In The White, Katatonia   
> Carbon, VNV Nation  
> When the Levee Breaks, A Perfect Circle

_It was hot, so hot, but deliciously so. The sweat on his skin just made the friction sweeter as he moved, as he fucked. He was delirious with the heat, wrapped in James's strong arms, straddling his waist as he rode the lieutenant. His head was thrown back and his body was arched and snapping over each rolling twisting grind of his hips._

_The contractions of his muscles were exquisite, sensual. Each motion twisted and bound up his pleasure higher and tighter. His mouth came down to cover pouting lips, to share hot breath and low grunts as his dick pushed in over the ridges of muscle that curved to meet in the long center line of James's abdomen. It was almost painfully inadequate, but he didn't stop, didn't use his hands to chase after his own pleasure._

_His fingers slipped in sweat, caressed and clung. Broad hands were splayed over the curve of Kaidan's back, brushing up into his hair. Those fingers curled and his head was drawn back, gentle kisses pressed along his throat and jaw. He fucked himself desperately onto the shaft inside him, but when he looked down his face broke into a smile, broad and happily matched by the face gazing up at him._

And then it all blurred into darkness as he woke.

He shivered in the layer of sweat that was cooling on the suddenly bare front side of his body. Pre-cum was beading at the tip of his cock, hard and responding with alacrity to the dream he'd been having. Shepard's hand tightened on his hip, drawing him the rest of the way out of his dream. The room was glowing with the faintest hints of simulated pre-dawn light signifying that it was still very early. 

He made a faint sound, turning his head a little to catch a glimpse of his lover. A low hum was his response as John's lips brushed against the back of his neck. The arm under Kaidan's neck tightened across his throat, dragging his head back against Shepard's shoulder. The shift of Shepard's hips made Kaidan aware that Shepard was nearly as hard as he was, the head of his dick pushing between the smooth planes of muscle on Kaidan's inner thighs. 

"Kaidan," he murmured, drawing them tight together, dragging the slick bead of pre-cum along the skin of Kaidan's thighs, bumping up against the weight of his balls drawn taut with arousal. 

The hand on Kaidan's hip moved down slightly to his thigh, pushing down on it to tighten his legs together even further as Shepard rocked his hips forward.

It wasn't something they did often, but when they did it was frequently like this, waking up hard in each other's arms, already tangled together, ready to thrust and grind to completion without hassling with any of the other details. Shepard began a steady pace fucking the path between inner-thigh muscles along the taut skin under the curve of Kaidan's ass. It was rough, determined - essentially status quo for them; pushing each other, driving each other up. The hard head of Shepard's cock shoved at the backs of Kaidan's balls with each thrust, sending little pulses of pleasure through his dick. Shepard's stubble scraped against bare skin as he mouthed Kaidan's neck, probably drawing bruises through the soft skin there.

"Touch yourself, Kaidan," Shepard growled, arm tightening across Kaidan's throat as he leaned into him, tightening his leg over Kaidan's knee to trap him to the bed and give himself even more leverage to thrust between Kaidan's thighs. Obediently Kaidan switched the hand he had braced against the mattress to fumble for his cock. The lack of stability dragged his weight forward so that his throat jerked against Shepard's elbow unchecked.

He groaned and stroked his erection with rough strokes that chafed nearly as much as Shepard did between his legs. He was breathless, surrounded by his lover. 

Shepard's freed hand slipped up from his hip to scrape over his taut abdominal muscles to tug at his nipple and Kaidan choked on a moan. The sound had Shepard groaning against his scalp and thrusting in uneven strokes, tightening his grip around Kaidan's neck until each breath was a struggle.

[Art by Mintsui](http://mintsui.tumblr.com/post/35501785610/art-based-on-and-created-for-trilliaths-three-hit)  


Shepard being rough with him was making him dizzy for more reasons than one. Fucking like they always did… not like Kaidan was damaged goods, some relic for a shelf. He twisted his hand roughly over himself, gasping at the sensation. Shepard's hand was hard against his chest, over his racing heart, his breath hot against Kaidan's neck. Kaidan groaned again breathlessly, body stiffening against Shepard's grip.

"Yes," Shepard groaned, tightening his grip as Kaidan exploded over the edge, spilling himself onto the tangled sheets. Shepard thrust a few more times, teeth scraping against the wild pulse in Kaidan's neck. He came hard, thick ropes of cum splattering against the backs of Kaidan's balls and smearing between his thighs.

"Kaidan," he murmured, breathing hard against his skin for a few moments before releasing his tight hold on him and laying back on the bed. Kaidan pressed a kiss into the palm still resting below his ear, and then settled his throbbing head into the pillow and closed his eyes.

 

When Kaidan woke the second time, Shepard was already more than half-dressed in his armor. He was nearly silent as he suited up. Kaidan rubbed his face blearily, tugging back the sheet and sitting up.

"Shepard," he said quietly, a question in his voice.

"Mission. I'll be gone most of the day," came the reply. Bracers snapped together. 

"What mission?" Kaidan asked blearily.

"Data retrieval." 

He supposed it was better than one-word answers. Just.  
"Who's going?" Kaidan asked when it became clear Shepard wasn't going to offer more information without prompting.

"Liara and Garrus," he said simply, latching his chest-plate on.

"So not… the lieutenant," Kaidan murmured. And that was a change. James had been Shepard's constant companion on missions these last few weeks. In part because it gave Garrus a break, gave him more time to deal with his duties working with the Primarch

Shepard paused, gazing at him with a slight narrowing of his eyes. He frowned absently as he turned back to the closet. "I think that's for the best today, considering," Shepard agreed, voice holding a thread of steel. "He may have some expectations to manage and I don't need the distraction." 

That was one way of putting it. Kaidan rubbed his thumb in a slow circle in the skin above his kneecap. "Does that mean you want me to talk to him about… what we discussed?" Kaidan asked, watching as Shepard pulled his gloves on and sealed them to his arm plates.

"If you don't mind," he said simply. Then, lifting his helmet, he added, "I think it's best to let him know directly."

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed quietly. 

Shepard gazed at him for another speculative beat, then replied with a firm nod. He turned and made his way out of the cabin in a perfectly rhythmic tread of boots on the deck, leaving Kaidan behind without a second glance.

Kaidan sighed and drifted after him, turning in towards the shower instead. He gazed at himself in the mirror for a moment, cataloguing the marks his lover had left him. A faint bruise on his hip. A similar mark on the side of his throat. Another pair darkening quickly on the back of his neck and shoulder.  
Unbidden, images pushed into his mind. Images of a split lip, of twin bruises over taut pectorals, of his teeth marks on a thick neck.

Memories. To be treasured, but still, just memories.

And the lieutenant would need to be told that. Kaidan sighed and made for the shower, going through his routine automatically while he mulled it over how to deal with the situation. Sooner was better than later, he decided. Delaying it would only leave the lieutenant with unclear parameters, and give Kaidan time to doubt that…  
Well.  
Sooner was better. 

He could simply find out wherever the lieutenant was and pull him aside there for a brief conversation. Or ask him to meet him somewhere like the starboard observation lounge or the shuttle bay. But, he realized as he shaved and dressed, he didn't want to do that, to end it without saying something in private. To give James a chance to…

There was a difference between survival and sustenance.  
When his clean uniform was on and quarters were perfectly squared away, he stood for a long while staring at the empty fish tank, watching the tiny bubbles float up. It didn't sit right. But it wasn't his decision alone, so that was probably a natural sensation to feel after a compromise had been made. And the fact was that the decision had been made.  
Eventually he sighed and accepted that waiting wouldn't make it any easier.

"EDI, would you please have lieutenant Vega report to my quarters at his earliest convenience," he said. 

"Yes, Major," EDI replied, voice as smooth as ever, though Kaidan had no doubt whatsoever that she'd been listening in on them, filing away the details of their behavior. It was a good thing she hadn't been Alliance after all. She probably wouldn't have approved of such blatant fraternization if she had been.

He didn't notice that he was standing at parade rest until the door chimed. But it seemed appropriate.

"Enter," he said, turning his head to watch the lieutenant come into the cabin. He looked grim. Kaidan gazed back at the fish tank. It wouldn't be a surprise then. At least there was that. But it still wasn't going to be easy. 

"Lieutenant," he began, turning to face the living area. "Have a seat," he said, gesturing briefly to the living chair near the coffee table. James came down the steps beside him and walked quietly across the deck. Kaidan was once again struck by the lightness of his footfalls when he was out of his armor. The leather creaked as he sat. Kaidan walked after him, moving over to the small desk, gripping the back of the desk chair with unsteady hands. 

Kaidan steeled himself. He'd thought it over when he'd been gazing at the fish tank, considering how exactly to go about it. He had a responsibility to make this as simple and painless as possible. He'd decided that avoiding any reminiscence would be best. Sticking to their ingrained military behaviors, relying on structure. And yet…  
He hesitated, then turned over two glasses and poured a splash of whiskey in each before turning to face younger marine. It seemed a fitting goodbye.

He carried the glass over to James, extending it to him. The lieutenant took it automatically, frowning at it.

"I'll keep things simple," Kaidan began. "The commander and I have been talking. We… won't be inviting you up to join us anymore." His voice was soft, but it held the neutral tones of a soldier.

The lieutenant stared into the glass, brows drawn down tight. He didn't say anything or even look up. The sensation of _wrongness_ twisted in Kaidan's belly.

"I'm sorry, James," Kaidan added quietly. "I know it's a bit sudden, but…," he trailed off. James looked up then, hazel eyes meeting Kaidan's, searching. Confusion, dismay, pain all flickered behind his stoic countenance. He almost opened his mouth to speak, but then he just pursed his lips. The mark on James's lip was hardly visible now.

"Well. It's been a pleasure," the major said and lifted his glass towards the lieutenant, offering a toast, a personal farewell. James looked up at the glass, his own jerking towards it an automatic inch before halting mid-air, then drifting back slightly. The intake of his breath was sharp.

"Excuse me sir," he said, voice flat as he set the glass down on the table, whiskey untouched. Whether through firmness of the gesture or unsteadiness of his hand it clacked loudly against the surface. 

He stood stiffly, drawing himself to attention, staring at a point over Kaidan's shoulder and said, "I think I'd better get back to duty, sir."

Kaidan marshaled his discipline, his long-standing officer's training and tightened in response, flattening his expression to military neutral as he said, "Very well lieutenant. Carry on."

"Aye-aye," came the flat reply. The turns were stiff left-face maneuvers, the hard-drilled habits of a soldier executed perfectly as James strode out of the cabin.

Kaidan stared after him a long time, then he carried both glasses to the sink and poured them out.

 

When Shepard came back from the mission, dragged him up to the cabin and fucked him into the mattress, it wasn't nearly as comforting or affirming as it should have been.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7: Explanations  
> Undefined Reversion, Mad at Gravity  
> In This Twilight, Nine Inch Nails  
> Teargas, Katatonia

Kaidan was exhausted. He'd been training for weeks now trying to get the hang of his new abilities. 

But he was still not up to par. 

Oh, his power was superior, no matter the marker you used for comparison. His control was _decent_. But decent didn't even come close to being adequate for a mission. Maybe for some routine thing a decade ago when he'd been a fresh-faced recruit. But for this? For Shepard? 

Yeah. Not even close. 

_Weeks_. And it _wasn't even close_. He had to turn away and pace back up the shuttle-bay away from the crate he'd been training with lest he hurl it _intentionally_ through the bulkhead in frustration.

Even though he'd trained biotics his whole life, and hadn't exactly lost his discipline or endurance, it was _different_. Well, not exactly different. It wasn't as though the laws of physics had changed because he had a little head injury. 

But it wasn't like it had been for his whole life as a soldier. He didn't have the control he'd fought so hard for and maintained so carefully. Yeah, as an L2 he'd always had more raw power than L3s, but _his_ talent was actually in his control. 

It actually felt like when he'd been a kid, struggling to master his abilities for the first time. Only with a lot less excitement over the novelty. It all felt different inside his biotics. All the habits and sensations he'd gotten used to were just a little bit off. And it was frustrating because the more time he spent on it, the more he came to realize that there was serious power behind all of it. _Serious_ power. And each time he pushed upwards, searching for his as-yet undiscovered limit, it was new again, and unstable. 

He would gladly have traded the power for having his stability again. He had an ever-increasing sense that he wouldn't gain his stability back until he knew the full extent of his strength. And that wasn't something he could do aboard the Normandy without possibly hurting people or even tearing a hole in the Normandy's hull. It was a catch-22 though, since Shepard couldn't make non-essential landings for him to play around, and yet he wouldn't bring Kaidan on any missions until Kaidan could look him in the eye and assure him he was back in fighting form.

So he trained, doing the best he could with the most dis-used corner of the shuttle bay at odd hours between shifts with the crew under strict orders to stay out except for required duties. Alone. Always alone. 

Shepard asked him for updates from time to time. Occasionally Kaidan saw him watching through the big windows looking down over the shuttle bay. But he never asked how Kaidan was doing, not really. Things between them had been growing more strained. Between the war, Kaidan's lack of progress, and… well. And the things they didn't talk about. Yeah, things weren't exactly rosy. But things didn't have to be. And so what if they both worked themselves to exhaustion and collapsed into bed each night without needing to make any excuse? Shepard stayed in the war-room because there was a war going on and Kaidan worked in the cargo bay because he had to. 

It was what he was doing currently. But his head was aching - and not just around his amp like after a long training session, but around his whole skull. Time to stop then - and get some calories. Not that his appetite was interested. But it was necessary. 

He swiped the towel over his face, collecting sweat as he made his way to the elevator. James wasn't in his alcove, much to Kaidan's relief. It was true that he was fully capable of treating the lieutenant with a professional distance, despite the face that he was more than a little conflicted over the whole situation. Still, with the way his head was aching he didn't need anything to add to it.

Routine had him focused on breathing techniques to steady his heart-rate and lower his blood pressure to relieve the tension in his skull as he rode the elevator up. He exchanged nods with various crew as he strode around the mess to make his way to the kitchen and round up the required calories. 

It was with a resigned sigh that he took in the sight of Vega there in the otherwise empty galley, bent over the stove-top. He'd apparently been making a huge mess and cooking something that actually smelled good enough to set Kaidan's mouth watering. 

James glanced up when Kaidan tugged open the cabinet containing the ration packs.

"Major," he said by way of greeting. His voice was a little quieter than before, and certainly more stiff. Cold even.

"Lieutenant," Kaidan replied quietly, doing his best to keep his voice neutral. Weariness made it difficult. He didn't think he was very successful, and neither did James, given the way his jaw tightened at the word. That sort of pain was exactly what Kaidan had wanted to avoid. He focused on selecting an appropriate mix of ration bars.

But then James's nature won out and he turned his gaze on Kaidan. "Don't tell me you're going to eat that crap again, sir," he said, flicking an eyebrow at the ration packs Kaidan was pulling down. 

Kaidan couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth.

"I think we've been over this already, Lieutenant."

"That we have, Major. You don't cook, I do. And you need good food, so why don't you dig back out the eggs and go eat this? That is, of course, rhetorical. Everybody knows nobody can resist my cooking," James said, sliding another simulated egg off the skillet onto the waiting tortilla that was heaped atop an already full plate.

Kaidan did laugh then, shaking his head slightly. Because the lieutenant was right.

He smiled as he mentally estimated the calorie content of the plate. A couple of the ration packs went back on the shelf, but he kept a few, carrying them over as he lifted the plate and set it on the island. He wasn't certain yet, but he suspected his biotic calorie cost was higher than before, because even though he'd been actively working to up his intake, his body fat was still verging on becoming dangerously low according to the Doc. He moved past Vega in the narrow galley to open the refrigeration unit and fish out some more eggs for the lieutenant. Maybe it could be like this, eventually, some day when the scars and memories had faded like the bruises and marks had. Casually friendly.  
He could use a friend right about now. They all could. 

He palmed the toggle for the bar seat on the island controls and perched on the edge, digging in to the meal in front of him. 

"See Major, the problem with you is you keep eating those nasty ration packs to fill your calories. It's no wonder you can't keep your appetite up."

Kaidan cocked an eyebrow at him, but the lieutenant didn't turn, still cooking his own portion of the meal.

"Of course, I suppose cooking wouldn't be foremost on your mind after a hard training session like that," James admitted, flipping an egg.

"Not exactly," Kaidan agreed as he frowned over a forkful of food. But when he took the bite, feeling the bright and fresh flavors roll over his tongue. Yeah. That feeling might just have him changing that - if he actually knew how to cook this well. 

"And I suppose it keeps you fighting trim, which...," Vega added a little more quietly, glancing over his shoulder this time for an appreciative glance at Kaidan's form.

"Lieutenant," Kaidan said quietly, gently admonishing. 

Vega sighed and shrugged it over, shoulders hunching defensively as he bent over the skillet.   
"Yeah," he muttered. 

Yeah. Exactly what Kaidan didn't want to have to face right now. Shepard might have drawn the line, but that didn't just work that simply. And honestly, he didn't want to give James up, as a friend, or as… well. What he and Shepard had started on a whim had quickly spiraled into something far more intense and emotionally involving than any of them had expected. Those thoughts had the meal seeming flavorless once more, but he ate steadily, long practiced in eating regardless of appetite.

James finished cooking his meal in silence, then brought his plate over next to Kaidan's on the island.   
They ate in silence too, neither one able to stomach any sort of small-talk to fill the conversation blank between them. Even friendly words held difficulty. 

"Thanks for the meal," Kaidan said quietly as he set his fork down on the empty plate and reached for one of the ration packs. "I really appreciate it."

"De nada," James said with a shrug as he stood, clearing away the plates with efficient motions. A few minutes later though Kaidan looked up from the juice pack he was sucking down to see a steaming blue mug of tea being slid across the counter towards him.

Kaidan hesitated for a long moment before he lifted his hands and took the mug. He frowned and glanced up at the lieutenant when it was clear he wasn't going to deposit the mug and leave.   
James's face tightened with resolve as he put the pads of his thumbs on the rim of his own mug. "Major, I know we're… things have changed. But, well, I was wondering if I could talk to you about it." 

Kaidan stared into his tea for a long moment before looking up again. His gaze followed the thick arm behind it up to an equally thick face, one with scars and hard muscle, and battle-weathered skin. And hazel-green shadowed eyes that weren't hard so much as sharp with the edges of disappointment. With sorrow.

Just this once-," he interjected as Kaidan's face grew tight with an impending dissent. "Just. I wanted to talk."

Just because Kaidan had told him it was over, just because he'd been cold and focused on his duty this past few days… didn't mean he had figured it all out. It just wasn't that simple.  
And when Kaidan gazed up at him, there was the line down his lower lip. It wasn't a scar yet but after weeks of poking and prodding and not being left alone to heal would certainly turn into one. And though Kaidan hadn't touched him in weeks…

It was freshly split. 

Kaidan curled his fingers around the hot mug, deliberately pressing his skin into the too-hot ceramic surface. They both looked over reflexively as a few crewmembers came around the bend into the mess hall, chattering about their day.

"It's a reasonable request," Kaidan began, rising from the stool and carrying the mug with him. "Why don't we take this..." He moved off towards the elevator, lieutenant in tow, considering which direction to take. His cabin was out of the question. The lounges were occupied, as it turned out. But crew quarters had a table, and if nobody was there (as they often weren't) they could put a privacy warning on the door, which should give them enough time for a conversation without being disturbed.

The room was empty. Kaidan led the way, gesturing at the lone table while he turned and placed a high privacy warning on the door. Then he followed James over and took the seat next to his. For all that they were simply sitting in a quiet room with a mug of tea, his adrenaline spiked. This was not one of the best ideas he'd ever had, he realized, taking a slow breath. He was far too aware of the lieutenant sitting next to him, of how close he was, how alone they were together. 

They sat in silence for a long moment. James looked like he was composing his words, staring into his tea. Eventually he sighed, leaning on his forearms on the table. "Major, look, can I ask you? Did I fuck up?"

He would look stoic to anyone else. But Kaidan had spent enough of his life trying to read the facial expressions of stoic men. Well, one man in particular… but it generalized. James's face was drawn down over the edges of what looked like a terrible sense of frustration and loss. And he looked young, despite the scars and the tough expression. Kaidan forgot sometimes how much younger the lieutenant was. 

"No," Kaidan said firmly, placing broad hand on either side of a broad face, holding his gaze steady. "James."  
He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the lieutenant's. It still sent a jolt through him, even though it was a chaste kiss by any standards.

"You did nothing wrong."

The sigh that shuddered through his body was one that Kaidan felt reflected in his chest as James leaned into his hands, pressing his forehead to Kaidan's as his palms came up to cup Kaidan's forearms, thumbs rubbing over the bump of his wrist-bones.

"Then _why_? I thought we... you and I...," he trailed off, pursing his lips in frustration.

That there could be a _you and I_ … and not with _Shepard_ was exactly the problem. And it was just as clear that his response to James's question _was_ Shepard. He didn't have to say it out loud. Kaidan drew away from him, rising to his feet jerkily. He pressed a hand to his mouth as he turned away, stepping over to the foot of one of the bunks nearby. But he didn't move away when James followed. In fact, he turned to face him. And he let the lieutenant close the distance until they were close enough to touch again. He couldn't get a handle on the volatile mixture of right and wrong that was tugging at him in opposite motions.

"Does he… are you happy, Kaidan?" James asked quietly, eyes searching.

Kaidan opened his mouth to reply, but James interrupted him saying, "Because I could make you happy."

Adrenaline surged again as his jaw clenched. But before he could stop himself, Kaidan whispered "I know." 

He wasn't sure which of them moved first but a moment later they were kissing with a fierce intensity. Again he was assaulted with both the rightness and wrongness of it simultaneously. But this time… now it wasn't an equal split. Not at all.

It was wrong. 

Kaidan broke the kiss, hands fisted in the lieutenant's shirt, bending the special-forces lightning-bolts over his fingers. James's hands came up to wrap around his. He took a shaky breath, and then turned sad eyes on the lieutenant.

"But James. He does. I am," Kaidan said, answering his original question.

They both jerked at the sound of the door to crew quarters opening. The privacy warning hadn't done it's job - or someone was simply desperate enough to enter despite it. Kaidan just hoped that whoever it was didn't get the wrong impression - not that he had any illusions about their threesome escapades being secret from scuttlebutt.

But it wasn't crew, Kaidan knew from the feeling on the back of his neck, and it was confirmed when Vega's attention sharpened over his shoulder. Kaidan turned to see Shepard standing in the doorway looking at them without any surprise in his face, just bitter fury. Kaidan felt confused for a moment. _Why was he here?_ But it took him very little time to realize that ordering EDI to alert him if Kaidan and James went off somewhere alone was _exactly_ the sort of thing he would do. 

And here he was, proving Shepard's prediction.

But instead of pain, the look he turned on James was lethal. Kaidan knew in an instant that Shepard was considering aggressive action for an immediate solution to his problem. Despite Vega's bulk and strength, he was no match for the enhanced physique of the commander. Shepard wouldn't need a weapon. He marched forward into the room, edges of a deep anger etching their way across his face like the red-lit cracks beneath his skin. 

But then his gaze took in the tea mugs on the table, their clasped hands, and the way Kaidan shifted to put himself firmly between them as he slipped his hands from Vega's and turned to face him. 

"Commander," Kaidan said quietly. 

Shepard stopped sharply. His hands fell loose to his side as his face went stone blank. He nodded once, twice, then turned abruptly on his heel and began to stride away.

"Shepard," Kaidan called after him again. James was stiff as Kaidan jerked past him to follow after the commander.

When Shepard ignored him and continued pacing towards the door, Kaidan put on his officer-giving-orders voice. "John," he said firmly. Not pulling rank so much as pulling _relationship_.

Shepard did stop then, locked stiff and staring at the wall beside the closed door. He turned abruptly to his left, hands coming up to grip the posts at the foot of one of the bunks. The same bunk Kaidan had chosen those many months ago upon re-boarding the Normandy. His eyes were closed as he tipped his head forward slightly. The muscles in his arms and back curved as they tightened, straining against his hard grip.

Kaidan scraped his fingers through his hair as he turned slightly. "James, perhaps you could-,"

"Sure thing, Major," James replied quietly, easing around the other side of the chairs and pacing towards the door. He slipped out quickly and quietly, leaving behind him just the hum of the Normandy's engines, one thick bulkhead away. And two cooling mugs of tea. 

After a moment the door control turned from amber to red and Kaidan sighed, stepping forward slowly till he stood behind Shepard.

"John," he said quietly.

"You know, you looked so peaceful sleeping in his arms," he said, voice faint with all the ruthless suppression of his emotions scraping away any sense of inflection.

Kaidan didn't know what to say. Shepard was coiled with all the tension of a live wire. He couldn't touch him. He needed to touch him but… 

Most times Kaidan was the sort to wait for Shepard to be ready. Maybe now wasn't the time for patience but for action.

"I haven't ever made you tea," John continued obliquely. "I'd never think to make you tea."

"Never's a pretty big word to throw around, John," Kaidan said, stepping closer. "And I can make my own damn tea," he added, and closed the rest of the distance, wrapping his arms around Shepard's rigid waist. 

"Then why are you _here_ Kaidan?" Shepard jammed the heel of his hand hard against the bunk, augmented strength causing a faint creak even from the strong material. Kaidan didn't let go. He pressed his face into the back of Shepard's neck instead. 

"Damnit Kaidan. You've put me in a position where...," Shepard shuddered under his palms. "Before I could just... But now I see it and I can't..."

He was silent for a long moment, then he sighed slowly. When he spoke his voice was flat and tightly controlled. Cold. "I think we need to end it, Kaidan. You and I."

Kaidan didn't know whether to laugh or to hit him. He pressed his mouth in behind Shepard's ear and said, "No," voice equally flat. "No fucking way, Shepard."

"You're not thinking it through Kaidan. You need more than what I can give you," he said. He sighed a tight breath through his nose. "You _deserve_ to have someone who makes you tea. You deserve someone who doesn't hurt you."

"You don't hurt me," Kaidan replied. Shepard huffed derisively and Kaidan smacked the flat of his palm against Shepard's chest. "John, you don't _hurt_ me," he repeated firmly. 

"Do you frustrate me? Yeah. Piss me off sometimes? Definitely," he said, shaking his head over a faint laugh. 

Shepard's hands slid down the rails slowly until they came back to settle on Kaidan's wrists. His fingertips pressed against the long-gone lines of bruises. Bruises that had faded and been replaced plenty of times in plenty of ways… and yet symbolized one particular instance for both of them.

"And do you sometimes cause me pain?" he murmured, lips against Shepard's ear and fingers digging into his chest. "You bet your ass you do," he said, voice low and tinged with a velvety heat. He felt the muscles in Shepard's core clench at his words, though he couldn't see his face to interpret.

"Yes, James makes me tea. Yes he is kind to me and I enjoy being with him both in bed and elsewhere. And if I didn't have you, yeah, there's a…," he shook his head, "there's a chance I could be happy with him. Am I having a hard time saying goodbye to him while being on the same ship? Yeah. Of _course_ I am. But Shepard…," he said gripping his lover's shoulder and pulling until he turned to face him.   
"John," he said, lifting his hands to grip his scarred and battle-hardened face. "I will, if you need me to. I'll figure it out."

Shepard's face was unfathomable gazing back at him. Kaidan shook his head and rubbed his thumbs against Shepard's sharp cheekbones. 

"I love you. John, I love _you_. Always have. Always will. And if I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you then so be it."

Shepard stared at him, edges of his stiff façade cracking as his brows furrowed and jaw clenched, blue eyes bright as they darted over his face. The lines etched in his skin betrayed the depth of his feelings as he gazed back, breath coming in uneven draws. Eventually his hands came up to cup Kaidan's jaw. 

"Understood," Shepard said, and then he hesitated, thumbs stroking over Kaidan's lips and chin. 

"Will you…," he paused, fingers pressing hard into Kaidan's face, flexing with need. "Will you come upstairs with me?"

Kaidan stared back at him, studying him. 

"Come with me," Shepard whispered, voice raw.

 

"Always," Kaidan replied.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8: Proof  
> Say It, Mad at Gravity  
> Nothing’s Impossible, Depeche Mode   
> Sold Heart, Katatonia

The rest of the ship around them was just a blur of muffled sounds and muted greys. Shepard's hand was gripping his in a hold that felt unbreakable. Like their tangled fingers were the spliced weave of threads that made the lines that ran through them one length. 

Shepard didn't pin him back against the elevator wall as was his custom. He merely touched the control to take them up, then lifted his hand to touch Kaidan's chest, fingers splaying over his heart. Shepard looked like he could hardly breath through the strength of his emotions. His gaze was focused on their joined hands as the lift moved upwards. It was quite possibly the most intimate thing they had ever done. 

When they arrived at their quarters, they moved in smooth unison out of the elevator and into the cabin, hands still linked. Soft steps led them down to the bed. 

They stood, staring at the pristine white coverlet. Kaidan felt the urge to turn his gaze upwards to the window in the ceiling, so he did. And after a moment, Shepard did too. They stood together, the stars and blue-shift emissions passing them by like rushing water. He could feel Shepard's shuddering breath vibrate down the bones of his arm to where it connected to Kaidan's. He felt the shudder that didn't stop, the tension that ran through Shepard's body.

"I'm here," Kaidan said quietly.

And it was amazing. That he was there. That Shepard was there. After everything they'd been through, all the things that should have killed them or torn them apart.  
Yeah, _should_ never gained much ground with them. Slowly he drew their clasped hands up, brought Shepard's knuckles to his lips. Kissing their twined fingers. And then Shepard was reaching for him, fingers surging over his skin, gripping and stroking over him, inch by inch. And Kaidan did the same, grounding himself to the feel of Shepard's heat under his fingers. He'd made his choice. 

Shepard's fingers tangled in his hair, clenching hard as they tugged the dark strands. His breath was ragged against Kaidan's lips, desperate. Raw like Kaidan had never seen before. 

"I love you," he said, and then pressed his mouth to Kaidan's.

Kaidan felt heavy, like an anchor in a storm, grounded on his faith in Shepard, in his faith in _them_. Unshakable, even as Shepard shook. He returned Shepard's kisses press for press, needy and insistent, slow and delicate, rough and sharp. 

It was more a need for closeness, for there to be no barriers between them more than blatant desire that had Kaidan tugging at the clasps of Shepard's uniform. For a few minutes, buckles and laces and zips were the focus of their attention, though throughout their undressing one or the other of them kept a palm to the other's skin, keeping them connected. When they were completely freed, they stood for a long moment, palms on each other's chests, gazing in silent communion with each other.

Then Shepard knelt at Kaidan's feet, trailing his hands down his body till they settled on his thighs. Kaidan ran soft fingers over Shepard's buzzed hair, gazing down at him as he pressed his forehead to Kaidan's hip, breath tingling where it whisked over his bared skin. He tipped his head so that he could brush his lips over Kaidan's skin, dragging a slow trail over his hip-bone and down to the hardening curve of his groin. His eyes fluttered closed as he slipped his mouth open over Kaidan's cock. Kaidan watched as Shepard sucked slowly yet firmly on his length, drawing him deep. It wasn't fast and rough like their usual joining, but slower, more reverent. But it wasn't about the sex, after all. It was about the intimacy.

Eventually Kaidan touched his shoulder, drawing back to sit on the bed, legs going shaky with the strain of resisting his pleasure. Shepard stood silently and followed him onto the mattress, stretching out over him, boxing-in Kaidan's head with his arms as he leaned down to capture Kaidan's mouth again. The warmth of skin to skin was raw and poignant, as was the tightness of their bodies pressed together, the way they shared each other's breaths in give and take. The kiss went on far longer than they were used to, each chasing the other's tongue and lips and teeth in a slow dance. 

When Shepard rolled them it was so that he was on his back on his side of the bed, Kaidan between his legs. He wrapped his legs around Kaidan's sliding them higher till he could use his thighs to tug Kaidan's hips tight to his, grinding them together. Kaidan could feel the throbbing pulse of the thick vein that ran along the underside of Shepard's cock, beating against his own as they rubbed. 

Kaidan rocked his hips experimentally, thrusting his cock against Shepard's groin in a parody of penetration. The bead of precum smeared from his tip as he drew his hips back, and the slickness it left behind as he rocked forward again. He lifted a questioning brow. Shepard gazed up at him, then reached for the drawer in the end-table beside him. He handed the bottle of lube to Kaidan, let his knees drift to the side, opening himself to his lover.

Kaidan took a slow breath, gazing down at him. Sprawled out for him. He sat back on his haunches, leaning his weight on one arm next to Shepard's waist as he opened the bottle and spread the gel onto his fingers. He lay a stripe of the lubricant down his hard length, then ran another up Shepard's, teasing firm fingers over the ridge along the underside of his cock. His fingers dragged back down Shepard's length, smearing the gel over the round weight of his balls, in a slow massage. When he slid his fingers lower to his opening, Shepard's thighs tensed reflexively, but relaxed as Kaidan ran his fingers in a slow circle, spreading the lubricant over the hot skin. 

Kaidan rose back up onto his knees till he could rock his hips forward and bump his dick against Shepard's hole. He gazed down at his lover spread out before him and rolled his hips again, driving his length along the sensitive skin, teasing both of them. The muscles in Shepard's abdomen fluttered in sensation or anticipation as Kaidan stroked his fingers down against the skin behind Shepard's balls and lined himself up. He took a shuddering breath, meeting Shepard's eyes for a long moment. There was trust, desire, and love in his eyes. He hoped Shepard could see those same things in his own as he began pressing forward, nudging the tip of himself inside John. He let a low hum vibrate in his chest at the sensation of Shepard's body gripping around him as he inched deeper. Soon he was fully buried in him, and he paused, giving Shepard a moment to adjust before he began to pull back again. He ran reverent hands over the span of Shepard's body, laid out before him, taking him in. 

Shepard was breathing hard, eyes bright as he watched him work his length into him with deeper and deeper strokes. He was steady, firm as he fucked Shepard. Carefully he slipped a hand down to Shepard's thigh, adding pressure to it and spreading John even more beneath him, allowing even deeper thrusts. Shepard arched his back, bringing his hips into rhythm with Kaidan's. 

He was relentless, taut against the pull of the pleasure, determined to work them both to the point of abandon. To the point where no questions remained. He groaned through gritted teeth. His thighs and abdomen burned with the effort of his pace. His love's body tore at him with exquisite sensation. But he would not falter. He couldn't.

Sweat slicked over their bodies as they worked together. His hands stroked and tugged over Shepard's skin, and when they were both gasping for breath, he slipped a hand down to the taut flesh of Shepard's erection. He stroked in time with his own hips, bringing them into perfect sync. John's hands lifted to roam over Kaidan's throat and face. The emotion that Shepard always kept so deeply layered was dragged to the surface now, raw and intense. Pleasure tangled with emotions, bringing more intense pleasure in a spiral of need and intimacy and breathless racing

"Kaidan," he murmured, voice rough and throaty. "Kaidan… Kaidan." 

And then Kaidan was kissing him, covering his gasping breaths with wet heat. Desperate. Airless as he fucked his love, pouring everything of himself into him. He swallowed Shepard's groans as he plunged his hand over his length, dragging the tremors up out of him, summoning the final crashing crescendo of his orgasm up. Shepard cried out against his lips as he came, his fluid spilling over his belly and Kaidan's, mixing with their sweat. Shepard's hands were trembling against his skin, gripping at him, pulling him onward. Shepard moaned again, going completely pliant beneath Kaidan, breaths coming out in what were nearly sobs. The reflected emotions that sound brought up had Kaidan gripping desperately at Shepard's waist, pushing into him with reckless abandon. 

Kaidan only managed a few more thrusts before he threw his head back and cried out, chasing after Shepard into shaking muscles and stuttering breaths as he crashed through his limit, shattering into a million pieces over the perfect wreckage that was Shepard. 

Gasping for air he rested his forehead on Shepard's chest, listened to the rapid-fire of his own heart. Shepard's hand came up to curve around the back of his neck, holding him tight. Kaidan slipped his hands up under Shepard's shoulders and lay against him, holding him in return. He could no longer tell where he stopped and Shepard began.

He knew, without any doubt that there would never be anyone else. And he knew, as he felt Shepard beneath him, wrapped around him, laid bare to him, that Shepard knew it too. 

As his heart rate came down and his breathing steadied, his eyes slowly refocused, coming to rest on the desk beside their bed, on the light reflecting faintly off of crystal. 

 

Then again, maybe Shepard had known it all along.


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue  
> Reaching Out, Nero  
> [Seriously one of the best songs I've ever heard. I listen to it on repeat.]  
> Download songs on mediafire: [Part 1](http://www.mediafire.com/?cnc0r38chylcvee), [Part 2](http://www.mediafire.com/?ykp4i54txf12c3z)

When the taxi pulled up at the end of the drive, John and Kaidan were both already waiting on the front porch. Being out in the middle of nowhere meant that any approach was easily heard long before it was seen. Even with all the trees.

"It's my turn, isn't it?" John said, flicking an eyebrow at Kaidan as James sauntered up the driveway, duffel-bag slung over his shoulder as though it were filled with feathers - though it would be highly surprising if it didn't contain at least one shotgun and a full set of armor. 

Kaidan laughed incredulously. "No way."

"Hmm," John responded, voice low and filled with skepticism as he gazed at the hard lines of the younger man's body as he walked towards them. He was wearing civvies. On leave - which he chose to spend with them.

"You know, you _always_ think it's your turn."

James was smirking by the time he climbed the steps to the porch. 

"Sure I always think it's my turn," Shepard replied, grinning at James, who returned the look as he slung his duffel down onto the deck. "Usually makes me right about half of the time."

Kaidan shook his head. "Yeah, well this isn't one of them."  
James watched the back and forth, tucking his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and rocking up on his toes.

"You sure? Because I swear-,"

"Oh I'm sure. Look, I'll prove it," he began, moving as though to bring up the interface on his omni-tool.

"If you two don't mind, I might have a suggestion on that front," James interjected, gesturing absently with one hand and then scrubbing his knuckles over the fabric over his abdomen as the two old soldiers turned twin looks of inquest on him.

He screwed up his nose with an absent sniff and glanced away, brushing a thumb over his upper lip.  
"Well I've been thinking about something," he said, looking between them with a hot edge to his gaze as he wet his lips before continuing. "I've been thinking maybe turns aren't really necessary. You know," he added, glancing at them, "with the right preparation."

There was a loud silence for a few moments as the three men mulled over that mental image.

"Fuck," Shepard mumbled eventually as Kaidan sighed sharply, turning his chin a little as he scrubbed a hand over the smile forming on his lips.

"Pretty much," James replied, grinning at them.

"Well. A good marine does like to be prepared," Shepard said, grinning a self-satisfied smirk at his double-entendre. 

"Damn straight," Vega replied, pursing his lips in a self-deprecating parody of seriousness.

Kaidan rolled his eyes, but didn't disagree. "It’s good to see you," he said instead, stepping closer to exchange a quick kiss with the younger marine. Then he paused, as he always did, to brush his thumb over the tiny faded scar on the lieutenant's lip.

"Likewise," James said, his eyes softening fondly, though his face was as it ever was, built on layers of hardened life, unreadable to those who didn't know him. 

Kaidan turned, slipping an arm around his waist and ignoring the heavy duffel. It was exactly the sort of thing Shepard _shouldn't_ be doing, straining the fragile efforts of months of meticulous recovery. But sometimes you had to let a guy do things he wasn't supposed to do. Even - no, _especially_ , when he was your husband.

"Come on," Kaidan said, pushing open the front door and leading James along with him. "Let's get you comfortable."  
He cast a wink over his shoulder at Shepard as he added, "Nice and... relaxed."

Shepard's bark of laughter had Kaidan and James exchanging a grin as they made their way into the house.

There are always three glasses at the carafe of whiskey. 

 

**End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading my story and viewing [Mintsui's](http://mintsui.tumblr.com) beautiful art. We hope you enjoyed it.  
> Don't forget to check out [my other stories]() or better yet, all the amazing stories written for the [Mass Effect Big Bang 2012](http://mebigbang.livejournal.com/)


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